Log 12: Validation
I think that validating how I feel is important. But I also think validating how others feel is equally as important. So I recently spoke to my parents about it a week or two ago. I needed them to know because I needed that support and validation of still being their daughter, still being loved by them no matter what.
Sure it wasn't easy for them. Still isn't but I feel much more at ease knowing that they have some sort of an idea of what I go through. It's not as easy as people make it seem, those that throw everything out the window just to be happy (i.e. family and religion) despite not having the support of their loved ones. I don't think happiness like that lasts forever because for me personally, I don't think I could ever survive without the presence of my family in my life. Just thinking about losing one of them scares the heck out of me.
Previously, I could never muster enough courage to tell them because I was so afraid of not receiving the acceptance or understanding I so desperately wanted. Knowing that this attraction I feel is not something I choose to have makes it so much harder because I felt that I could never be this daughter of theirs in their mind.
I feel like the more I hold on to things that aren't in my hands to control, the more I feel lost. Because in reality, it's just that - it's not in my control. It is in God's hand that everything happens. I want to surrender everything up to Him. I really want to but it's just so hard to let go. I hope that when I finally do make up my mind about committing absolute entrustment to God, I will honour my own decision and not go searching for reasons to want to create my own path for myself.
As someone told me last night, only when the mind is made up can the heart follow through. I realized that while I've always struggled between listening to the mind or the heart, I've never really made a concrete decision in my mind to stop what I'm doing and to stop emotionally using or lusting over my crushes. It is only post-retreat that this realization dawned on me.
The two days away from everyone, from work, from familiar places to experience something different, and to realign and focus on God was a rewarding experience for me. I think I've always been a sucker for sloth and let it take control of me but God always has His ways of getting me to go for things that would eventually impact me one way or another during/after it.
I think for someone as me who has never had someone I could really share everything to despite having good friends around me, Amanda has been a Godsend to me and I am thankful for her everyday for reminding me how loving and great the Lord is. And I think personally for me, I have become attached to her, dependent even because for me, her support and being there for me is so important. She would always be the one person I would go to when I go through anything difficult in life. She understands God and she understands people so when news finally came that she was dating, I felt myself having conflicted emotions.
At one hand, she finally found someone who loves God as much as she does and she's really happy to be with him. So how could I not be happy for her and let my selfishness take over? But it is really difficult for me to let go because it's almost as if I have to say goodbye to someone I love very dearly. Until now, I still find it really hard to let go maybe it's because I don't want to or maybe because I might feel lost if I actually did. I don't know how ridiculous or petty this might sound to want to have a friend all by myself without sharing her. Almost makes me feel like a hogger.
But this one sentence that Father Simon once told me last year keeps coming back to my mind:
Lord, I entrust everything, every feeling, every emotion, every thought that I have and is going through, I lift them all up to You knowing that you will help me through this time as You have always been throughout my life.
I forgot how therapeutic writing can be and how much emotions I actually feel when I bring it to light, writing it all down eventhough it has always been within me. The amount of tears shed for this post is enough to make me have swollen eyes for work tomorrow. Even now, I shall not think of what will happen tomorrow but to take it as it comes with His strength and His guidance to be with me.
Additional thoughts:
If just the thought of having to let go of someone is so hard to face, I don't know how I will ever survive losing someone close to me. I may not always show my emotions when I'm with people as I've always found it better and easier to put up a brave front, but I am equally as 'breakable' as everyone else and I experience emotions the same with everyone else.
Sure it wasn't easy for them. Still isn't but I feel much more at ease knowing that they have some sort of an idea of what I go through. It's not as easy as people make it seem, those that throw everything out the window just to be happy (i.e. family and religion) despite not having the support of their loved ones. I don't think happiness like that lasts forever because for me personally, I don't think I could ever survive without the presence of my family in my life. Just thinking about losing one of them scares the heck out of me.
Previously, I could never muster enough courage to tell them because I was so afraid of not receiving the acceptance or understanding I so desperately wanted. Knowing that this attraction I feel is not something I choose to have makes it so much harder because I felt that I could never be this daughter of theirs in their mind.
I feel like the more I hold on to things that aren't in my hands to control, the more I feel lost. Because in reality, it's just that - it's not in my control. It is in God's hand that everything happens. I want to surrender everything up to Him. I really want to but it's just so hard to let go. I hope that when I finally do make up my mind about committing absolute entrustment to God, I will honour my own decision and not go searching for reasons to want to create my own path for myself.
As someone told me last night, only when the mind is made up can the heart follow through. I realized that while I've always struggled between listening to the mind or the heart, I've never really made a concrete decision in my mind to stop what I'm doing and to stop emotionally using or lusting over my crushes. It is only post-retreat that this realization dawned on me.
The two days away from everyone, from work, from familiar places to experience something different, and to realign and focus on God was a rewarding experience for me. I think I've always been a sucker for sloth and let it take control of me but God always has His ways of getting me to go for things that would eventually impact me one way or another during/after it.
I think for someone as me who has never had someone I could really share everything to despite having good friends around me, Amanda has been a Godsend to me and I am thankful for her everyday for reminding me how loving and great the Lord is. And I think personally for me, I have become attached to her, dependent even because for me, her support and being there for me is so important. She would always be the one person I would go to when I go through anything difficult in life. She understands God and she understands people so when news finally came that she was dating, I felt myself having conflicted emotions.
At one hand, she finally found someone who loves God as much as she does and she's really happy to be with him. So how could I not be happy for her and let my selfishness take over? But it is really difficult for me to let go because it's almost as if I have to say goodbye to someone I love very dearly. Until now, I still find it really hard to let go maybe it's because I don't want to or maybe because I might feel lost if I actually did. I don't know how ridiculous or petty this might sound to want to have a friend all by myself without sharing her. Almost makes me feel like a hogger.
But this one sentence that Father Simon once told me last year keeps coming back to my mind:
"You have to let go of that person in order for them to find love if you truly love him/her."Funny how even then I was already afraid of letting go. It was a conversation about Amanda too. I guess that advice now makes sense as it finally dawned on me that it is happening. So even serving with both of them is hard because when I don't see them together, it was almost as if I could avoid this new reality. But I realize that that shouldn't stop me from serving God and allowing my own personal matters affect my love for Him and my want to do good things. I know that marriage for Amanda is an eventual thing so as much as I want to be selfish, I cannot keep her for myself so I pray that for me as well, I would be able to slowly let go and see things differently.
Lord, I entrust everything, every feeling, every emotion, every thought that I have and is going through, I lift them all up to You knowing that you will help me through this time as You have always been throughout my life.
I forgot how therapeutic writing can be and how much emotions I actually feel when I bring it to light, writing it all down eventhough it has always been within me. The amount of tears shed for this post is enough to make me have swollen eyes for work tomorrow. Even now, I shall not think of what will happen tomorrow but to take it as it comes with His strength and His guidance to be with me.
Additional thoughts:
If just the thought of having to let go of someone is so hard to face, I don't know how I will ever survive losing someone close to me. I may not always show my emotions when I'm with people as I've always found it better and easier to put up a brave front, but I am equally as 'breakable' as everyone else and I experience emotions the same with everyone else.
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