Log 13: Sinking Deeper
So it has been a little less than a year since I've had realization of my attractions. Looking back, it definitely wasn't an easy ride. I think right now, I'm past the point of stage one: denial and stage two: acceptance. I'm probably at stage three: discovering now and that kinda scares me a bit because all of a sudden, what seemed like a taboo now seemed so acceptable to me, things I thought I would never do a year ago now makes me wanting more of it. And no, I'm not talking about sex if anyone's wondering cause just being able to meet someone who likes me back would be nothing less than a miracle.
See, I don't believe that I'll ever be with someone because I don't think I'll ever be granted that because it's just not the order of things. I don't see it as a punishment by God, I just don't think He would grant me that special someone when I know He's calling me to Him instead. Perhaps it's where I'm at right now but I just cannot or rather, don't know how to follow Him and trust Him when there is so much in my life I need but yet I'm still lost as to what makes me happy.
I feel like I'm just sinking deeper into this hole of indulging all kinds of queer/lesbian related things like fanfics and story books and movies and it's just not going to end well because I know that addiction is real. Whenever I feel alone, I have the intense urge to go on dating sites and find someone. And no doubt, I have done it for short periods multiple time. It just doesn't go anywhere and it's too superficial for my liking. I was even horrified that a guy there wanted to be friends with benefit, basically having sex with no strings attached. Plus, it's a guy, so no obviously.
I guess where I'm heading with this post is that I'm struggling with this new feelings of attraction. I am probably going way too deep into reading and watching overtly sexual scenes. I don't know what to do with, how to feel about it, and most importantly, if I'm being honest, i just want to leave everything, travel to some place new where no one knows me, find a casual fling and hopefully fall in love. Gosh maybe I am watching too many romantic movies that involve meeting girls in a bar and getting laid in the same night.
I think reading this, this might even be a confession of how deep I've gone. I never knew why people loved watching porn, how they can jerk off to it, and why they're addicted to it. But maybe now, I might have some sort of inkling given how there may be bits and pieces (maybe a lot) of uncensored sex in the films I watch but still, it's not something that turns me on but rather makes me wonder if it's something I am even capable of because I don't think I find sex that appealing. Sure I've fantasize about kissing some other girl's lips before but that might just be it. Perhaps for girls it's the emotions that is much more important than the physicality of things. Maybe it's because I don't understand love so how can I understand the act of love. Maybe I'm just thinking too much, trying to rationalize this is the middle of the night.
See, I don't believe that I'll ever be with someone because I don't think I'll ever be granted that because it's just not the order of things. I don't see it as a punishment by God, I just don't think He would grant me that special someone when I know He's calling me to Him instead. Perhaps it's where I'm at right now but I just cannot or rather, don't know how to follow Him and trust Him when there is so much in my life I need but yet I'm still lost as to what makes me happy.
I feel like I'm just sinking deeper into this hole of indulging all kinds of queer/lesbian related things like fanfics and story books and movies and it's just not going to end well because I know that addiction is real. Whenever I feel alone, I have the intense urge to go on dating sites and find someone. And no doubt, I have done it for short periods multiple time. It just doesn't go anywhere and it's too superficial for my liking. I was even horrified that a guy there wanted to be friends with benefit, basically having sex with no strings attached. Plus, it's a guy, so no obviously.
I guess where I'm heading with this post is that I'm struggling with this new feelings of attraction. I am probably going way too deep into reading and watching overtly sexual scenes. I don't know what to do with, how to feel about it, and most importantly, if I'm being honest, i just want to leave everything, travel to some place new where no one knows me, find a casual fling and hopefully fall in love. Gosh maybe I am watching too many romantic movies that involve meeting girls in a bar and getting laid in the same night.
I think reading this, this might even be a confession of how deep I've gone. I never knew why people loved watching porn, how they can jerk off to it, and why they're addicted to it. But maybe now, I might have some sort of inkling given how there may be bits and pieces (maybe a lot) of uncensored sex in the films I watch but still, it's not something that turns me on but rather makes me wonder if it's something I am even capable of because I don't think I find sex that appealing. Sure I've fantasize about kissing some other girl's lips before but that might just be it. Perhaps for girls it's the emotions that is much more important than the physicality of things. Maybe it's because I don't understand love so how can I understand the act of love. Maybe I'm just thinking too much, trying to rationalize this is the middle of the night.
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