Looking Back
I decide to restart journaling by writing reflection questions in my reflection book/journal as I think that will really help me keep track of messages to take away from the daily scripture readings and to gauge how much or how little I've grown spiritually, how I can do better, what has been good and what has been bad about this reflective approach in efforts to regain my connection with God in my prayer life.
And then I decide to read back some of first few entries I made last year somewhere around July too and it made me realize I probably haven't moved forward at all. Things like being humble, being aware of my pride and cockiness, paying more attention to my actions and words. It's still the same things I have to work on, still the same stubbornness and pride in me that is causing me to stay stagnant and maybe even taking a step back. Worse, it's taken the same person to remind me of these bad habits I have. I'm really starting to wonder if I'll be able to change. I know change starts with me and while there may be times when I stick to my own pride in not admitting my mistakes and seeing nothing wrong in it, I am still very frustrated at myself.
People have told me there is a huge incongruence in what I say and in what I do. It almost makes me sound like a hypocrite or a liar but I guess that's true in some ways too. Perhaps I really am unable to let go of my own self necessities, self indulgence, essentially selfishness to be able to truly yearn and chase after that goodness wholeheartedly. God said that following Him involves both joy and suffering. But why can't I be selfish and try to find my own fleeting joy despite it not being lasting, despite it not truly fulfilling my desires, to temporary avoid those suffering He promised?
Many people think I'm someone who puts God first and that I strive for holiness. While that is something I truly want to achieve, I am no where near that. My awareness of all this also caused me to create many excuses through my countless rationalization to everything. Excuses as a form of avoiding, excuses as a form of pushing responsibilities and commitment away, excuses as a form of running away, excuses has become my downfall.
All these calculated moves churning in my mind and responses that I form happens before I realize how ignorant or prideful I sound. Sometimes I don't realize it at all and it really takes someone else to put me at my right place, to tell me how awful I was. I guess what this post is to tell myself how much more I need to buck up, how much more I need to take responsibility of my own life, my spirituality, my future. My age may say that I'm an adult but I clearly don't act as one. To my (near) future self reading this, grow the crap up and stop acting like a child.
And then I decide to read back some of first few entries I made last year somewhere around July too and it made me realize I probably haven't moved forward at all. Things like being humble, being aware of my pride and cockiness, paying more attention to my actions and words. It's still the same things I have to work on, still the same stubbornness and pride in me that is causing me to stay stagnant and maybe even taking a step back. Worse, it's taken the same person to remind me of these bad habits I have. I'm really starting to wonder if I'll be able to change. I know change starts with me and while there may be times when I stick to my own pride in not admitting my mistakes and seeing nothing wrong in it, I am still very frustrated at myself.
People have told me there is a huge incongruence in what I say and in what I do. It almost makes me sound like a hypocrite or a liar but I guess that's true in some ways too. Perhaps I really am unable to let go of my own self necessities, self indulgence, essentially selfishness to be able to truly yearn and chase after that goodness wholeheartedly. God said that following Him involves both joy and suffering. But why can't I be selfish and try to find my own fleeting joy despite it not being lasting, despite it not truly fulfilling my desires, to temporary avoid those suffering He promised?
Many people think I'm someone who puts God first and that I strive for holiness. While that is something I truly want to achieve, I am no where near that. My awareness of all this also caused me to create many excuses through my countless rationalization to everything. Excuses as a form of avoiding, excuses as a form of pushing responsibilities and commitment away, excuses as a form of running away, excuses has become my downfall.
All these calculated moves churning in my mind and responses that I form happens before I realize how ignorant or prideful I sound. Sometimes I don't realize it at all and it really takes someone else to put me at my right place, to tell me how awful I was. I guess what this post is to tell myself how much more I need to buck up, how much more I need to take responsibility of my own life, my spirituality, my future. My age may say that I'm an adult but I clearly don't act as one. To my (near) future self reading this, grow the crap up and stop acting like a child.
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