Yet Another Boulder

Heavy heart, tired soul.

It's not as if I've never experienced this before but it's always tiring to go through it – things that sits heavily on the heart or things that keeps my mind disturbed.

Recently it dawned on me that maybe my habit of touching people, having contact/human touch with those that I'm comfortable with may come from a place of need. Seeing as my love language is touch, I can't help it but think that perhaps it's because I yearn for some love and acceptance (not family love but a different kind of love) that it becomes something I do without having to put thought into it.

But once I do, I'm wary and afraid that I'm somehow using these people to fuel or fulfill some desire of mine to be loved. To add on to it, it's usually my female friends that I end up close to and I'm so so aftaid of mistreating the friendship. Yet when I force myself to hold myself back from any unnecessary contact, the feeling of wanting it becomes stronger and I'm left to think if it's because of suppression of my attractions or just merely the fact that I'm used to close companionships. Have I been suppression my attractions when I thought otherwise?

Just things that I'm currently dealing with.

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