Maintenance to Mission Mode

"We need to move from maintenance to mission mode."

It's something that I've been hearing for the past one month or more from my parish priest. It's also something that I truly believe is necessary for the growth and the good of the Church.

"I dream of a missionary option, that is, a missionary impulse capable of transforming everything, so that the Church's customs, ways of doing things, times and schedules, language and structures can be suitably channeled for the evangelization of today's world rather than for her self-preservation."
—Pope Francis, Apostolic Exhortation Evangelii Gaudium, 24 November 2013

3 months ago, I embarked on my first ever mission trip to Europe, specifically through the cities of Istanbul, Paris, Berlin and some parts of Poland. I never thought I would one day be a part of a mission trip as the idea seemed so far away to me. How could God ever use me when I feel so unequipped and carry brokenness in me?

The preparation leading up to the mission and even continuously throughout mission was God's answer to me. It's no secret that in this blog, I've written a lot about my feelings, my doubts, my struggle and my fight through my attractions.

When I first started, I had a few things that was on my mind going into this trip:
- travelling to a far away country
- experiencing on-ground mission work amidst other young Catholics
- hoping to meet a significant other (seeing as to how the scene there might be more exciting and open than here)

The first two desires are good but the third is very questionable. I sometimes fall into this place where I start watching or reading stories with w/w representation and it's not wrong. I wouldn't say it is but I know it isn't helpful for me if I am watching it for a reason - to obtain some sort of relief or escape that it can be normal or that it could one day be my story. Similarly to how watching a romantic film can be a trigger to someone who is struggling with passion and desire. It would most likely end up with using the person mentally.

And that desire to find someone, a physical sign of love (even as it may be distorted because I was searching to fulfil my own needs) was strong at that time. I remember lifting up my fears to God a few weeks before leaving for the trip, having felt a strong sense of peace and calm that He's got this. It didn't stay on my mind as much as before but every once in awhile, the evil one will poke at my thoughts, suggesting that "it's a rock concert with booze and naked people, you can have a fun time there if you want". It scared me. It scared me because I was letting myself weigh the possibility of it and I had to remember that it was a distorted desire.

The first few days in Istanbul and Paris was a blur to me. I was so void of feelings that even when being and attending mass in cathedrals and basilicas as beautiful as Notre Dame or Sacred Heart, I felt so far from God's presence. I don't know why it was so underwhelming for me but when I arrived at the St. Timothy community house in Gubin, I got to experience firsthand what community living looked like and that brought me a lot of joy. It felt like home.

Over the course of days, it was a lot of prep to move over to the Pryzstanek Jezus campsite in Kostryn but I enjoyed it. Mingling with the volunteers, cooking, moving things, and resting from the jet lags.

Coming back to what I spoke about previously, once the Woodstock (now known as Pol'and Rock) Festival kickstarted, I was reminded of that fear la. It was a bunch of triggering factors such as being distracted during praise&worship and mass by this one girl from the PJ camp and speaking to a few festival goers who were vocal about their sexuality. To top it off, I found myself gravitating towards my mission partner, my tent-mate. It made it even more confusing because I didn't know why I was feeling that way, why I was craving physical contact from her.

All of that happened during day one of the festival. I had to retreat to the adoration tent and cry and cry, asking Jesus why did I still have to go through this painful experiences, knowing full well that I wasn't able to concentrate on anything but the torn up feeling inside me. I felt once again unequipped to speak to people about God's love and plan especially for those that have SSA when I felt like I wasn't able to fully believe in what I preach anyway.

That night, I knew I needed to be honest to my friend about what I was feeling and what was going through my mind. It was nerve wrecking to say the least but by the grace of God, she heard me out and she didn't make me feel weird about it. I remember feeling so suffocated, not knowing how to let it off my chest to feeling so relieved and having a different sense of peace fall over me the next day.

My desire to speak to people was renewed the next day. Although I encountered one campsite where a bunch of them were already high on crack in broad daylight, with one of the girls there inviting/borderline pressing us to get into her tent so that she could (WARNING: USAGE OF INAPPROPRIATE WORD) lick our pussy, I found that intriguing, yes, but I was also affirmed in my identity that I am worth a pursuit, that quick fixes will only cause harm. That day, I was also prompted by the Holy Spirit to do something that I thought was crazy, that my friends thought was crazy, which was to carry around my testimony and message to everyone in Woodstock.

So it was day 3, the last day of the festival that I carried this sign, walking all around the campsites and in our PJ site too. I had my Polish translator translate the sentence "I like girls but Jesus loves me more." People stared at me, smirked at me, asked if they put me up to this but all the while I was smiling to everyone I meet, hoping that they would see God smiling at them too.

The message I brought back for myself from this whole trip is to "keep struggling", in the words of my spiritual director who once told me that.

So what have I been doing since the mission trip? I am now working and carrying out my mission as a visible sign of Christ in my workplace as well as my mission as a daughter to my parents.

I finally understand what it means to be a disciple missionary of Christ, or at least a better understanding of it. No matter where we are sent to, we bloom where we are planted. God assures us that we are able to bear fruit in every season of our lives, be it to ensure hardship to prepare for what is to come or planting seed in the lives of the others or merely watering them.

“Evangelizing is in fact the grace and vocation proper to the Church, her deepest identity; she exists in order to evangelize.”
—Pope Paul VI, Apostolic Exhortation Evangelii Nuntiandi, 8 December 1975

We, as Church, must carry out our primary mission given to us at baptism (as priest, prophet and king) and confirmation which is to go forth and share the good news of Christ our Saviour!