God's Profound Love Amidst my Same Sex Attractions
For the past few days, I've had a lot of questions popping up and it was hard to be present as the thoughts were taking up most of the space in my mind.
This was all triggered when I came across a video on YouTube on Saturday night. It was a singer that I've known of since I was in high school. Her name is Alex G and she got married recently. Her latest song tells the story of her journey and it was to also reach out to her parents.
Her question as to why she would want to ever "pray it away" causes me to think as well. Do I want my same sex attractions to go away? I don't know if I can say for sure that I want that. Sure, it brings a lot of challenges and sure, there's suffering in a different way I've never had to experience before but these are all unique experiences for me and I would like to be able to hope that in spite of that, it will help to understand and discover what love really means.
See, I guess there are some things I've never really sat well with although I love the Church and my faith. It's hard to accept the truths in full especially during the times when my emotions causes my rational mind to stagger back.
This "love the sinner, hate the sin" quote has been overly used and frankly speaking, too simple of an explanation.
Here are the Church's stand on homosexuality:
1) The dignity of the person is no lesser than any other person and God loves each and every one of His children the same.
2) The attractions towards the same sex isn't a sin. Yet the Church also says that we are made for good and any attraction to something which is not good is a disordered desire.
3) It is the sexual act that is taught to be innately disordered as sex was created for two things namely union and procreation. The human sexual organs are meant to complement one another.
4) Same sex couple shouldn't adopt children as it is not a natural and healthy family setting.
Here are my questions:
1) Is it ever possible for persons of the same sex to be together, even if it stays at just an emotional support, not so much a physical/sexual one?
2) If they don't allow lust to lead, but keeping to the knowledge of love the Church teaches, does the attractions always have to be kept and suppressed?
3) If procreation of life is the main purpose of marriage (besides making visible the sign of love), would straight couples who are unable to bear children be any different from same sex couples who chooses to adopt?
4) Wouldn't it be better for a child to at least have a same sex couple as the parents rather than having no parents at all when it comes down to it?
5) Why is there so much stigma, so much hate and condemnation on homosexuality when there is so much more evil in this world to direct their attention to?
6) Would thinking about the possibility of a relationship be a sin? If it means that the thoughts that goes on in my head has to have the idea/image of another person, would it mean I'm using the person mentally and emotionally for my own gain?
7) If the sudden desire to be in close proximity arises with people I know, should I start creating barriers for myself and keep a distance? How long will this isolation lasts? Until the desire is suppressed and forgotten?
And these are some of the answers I've found and though it was tough to stomach, I still found it helpful in my journey for answers and understanding:
1) Defining Homosexuality
Sex is ordered towards two things: bonding the couple and bringing forth life. There is only one context in which this is possible: in the marriage of one man and one woman. If there is no marriage, there is often no sense of true commitment and the bonding of the couple is weak. If both genders are not represented, the possibility of life is thwarted. Anything that directly violates either the bonding or the possibility of life is a disordered use of the sexual act (as well as use of the other person).
2) Same Sex Marriage
If we can rewrite one standard (same-sex marriage) based solely on personal preference, then we can rewrite any of them (incest, polygamy, etc.). What I’m trying to address is the underlying principle. If the principle for change is based solely off “I have a sexual appetite for X; therefore, my sexual desire should be the moral equivalent of any other sexual desire,” then there is no stopping this once it has started.
Someone might state, “This is not about sex; it’s about love!” That’s a very good point. But the sexual act is an essential part of marriage. In fact, you cannot have a valid sacramental marriage without the act of sexual intercourse occurring at least once. If all homosexual activists want is love without sexual acting out, then that’s wonderful. We are all made for love — no exceptions. But not all expressions of love are good or healthy.
3) Redefining Marriage (and its affect)
Marriage is truly the most basic unit of society. Do we really believe that we can redefine it and it won’t do something to every other element of society? That is short-sighted at best and foolish at worst. Whether it affects society for good or for ill is another issue. But what is not at issue is whether it will change anything for all of us.
4) Same Sex Couple Adopting
On the surface, letting gay couples adopt seems like a good thing, doesn’t it? If there are children without homes, shouldn’t we do whatever we can as Christians to ensure they have safe, loving families? That end goal – to give children a family and a home – is indeed a worthy cause. But there are so many contributing factors that the Church must take into consideration when providing guidance on this topic.
A one father, one mother home is the ideal place for a child to be nurtured and loved in both a masculine and feminine way, by a man and woman – the two sexes that God designed to be perfectly complementary in every way, including parenting. Of course, a father/mother home doesn’t always happen because of death, divorce, and situations that require a man or woman to parent on their own. The key here is that it is unfair and violates a child’s rights if we willfully and purposefully deny them a loving mother and father. Ask any child in a single parent home if they wished they had a good mother and a good father and they will absolutely respond with a “yes.” It is ideal for a child’s healthy development that they be raised by a male and a female and we do an injustice to children by purposefully denying them a father or a mother by placing them with a same-sex couple.
5) “Who Am I To Judge?” by Edward Sri (Ignatius Press; Augustine Institute, 2016.)
Law = love. The moral law comes from God’s love: He made us, he knows how we work, and he loves us so much he gives us the law to show us how to live in a way that will lead to our happiness. And the moral law helps us grow in love.
In the end, if the moral law is understood properly, the real question should not be, “Do I really have to follow this law?” but rather, “Do I want to love? Do I want to love God and the people in my life as much as I can? Because if I do, I should be grateful for God’s law showing me the way of love.
Now all these were hard for me to grasp, some more so than the others. Even now, I ask if I can ever see beyond the "no" and the "can't" but to really understand the heart of the matter. I brought all these to mass during Christmas and what I got from it was a grace and peace beyond the turmoil of my own heart and mind. I stared at the Cross and realized that as much as I don't understand some things, I understand one thing perfectly which is His love for me. How can I ever reject God and all that He stands for?
So that's where I am now in this 3 years of a tumultuous journey.
This was all triggered when I came across a video on YouTube on Saturday night. It was a singer that I've known of since I was in high school. Her name is Alex G and she got married recently. Her latest song tells the story of her journey and it was to also reach out to her parents.
Her question as to why she would want to ever "pray it away" causes me to think as well. Do I want my same sex attractions to go away? I don't know if I can say for sure that I want that. Sure, it brings a lot of challenges and sure, there's suffering in a different way I've never had to experience before but these are all unique experiences for me and I would like to be able to hope that in spite of that, it will help to understand and discover what love really means.
See, I guess there are some things I've never really sat well with although I love the Church and my faith. It's hard to accept the truths in full especially during the times when my emotions causes my rational mind to stagger back.
This "love the sinner, hate the sin" quote has been overly used and frankly speaking, too simple of an explanation.
Here are the Church's stand on homosexuality:
1) The dignity of the person is no lesser than any other person and God loves each and every one of His children the same.
2) The attractions towards the same sex isn't a sin. Yet the Church also says that we are made for good and any attraction to something which is not good is a disordered desire.
3) It is the sexual act that is taught to be innately disordered as sex was created for two things namely union and procreation. The human sexual organs are meant to complement one another.
4) Same sex couple shouldn't adopt children as it is not a natural and healthy family setting.
Here are my questions:
1) Is it ever possible for persons of the same sex to be together, even if it stays at just an emotional support, not so much a physical/sexual one?
2) If they don't allow lust to lead, but keeping to the knowledge of love the Church teaches, does the attractions always have to be kept and suppressed?
3) If procreation of life is the main purpose of marriage (besides making visible the sign of love), would straight couples who are unable to bear children be any different from same sex couples who chooses to adopt?
4) Wouldn't it be better for a child to at least have a same sex couple as the parents rather than having no parents at all when it comes down to it?
5) Why is there so much stigma, so much hate and condemnation on homosexuality when there is so much more evil in this world to direct their attention to?
6) Would thinking about the possibility of a relationship be a sin? If it means that the thoughts that goes on in my head has to have the idea/image of another person, would it mean I'm using the person mentally and emotionally for my own gain?
7) If the sudden desire to be in close proximity arises with people I know, should I start creating barriers for myself and keep a distance? How long will this isolation lasts? Until the desire is suppressed and forgotten?
And these are some of the answers I've found and though it was tough to stomach, I still found it helpful in my journey for answers and understanding:
1) Defining Homosexuality
Sex is ordered towards two things: bonding the couple and bringing forth life. There is only one context in which this is possible: in the marriage of one man and one woman. If there is no marriage, there is often no sense of true commitment and the bonding of the couple is weak. If both genders are not represented, the possibility of life is thwarted. Anything that directly violates either the bonding or the possibility of life is a disordered use of the sexual act (as well as use of the other person).
2) Same Sex Marriage
If we can rewrite one standard (same-sex marriage) based solely on personal preference, then we can rewrite any of them (incest, polygamy, etc.). What I’m trying to address is the underlying principle. If the principle for change is based solely off “I have a sexual appetite for X; therefore, my sexual desire should be the moral equivalent of any other sexual desire,” then there is no stopping this once it has started.
Someone might state, “This is not about sex; it’s about love!” That’s a very good point. But the sexual act is an essential part of marriage. In fact, you cannot have a valid sacramental marriage without the act of sexual intercourse occurring at least once. If all homosexual activists want is love without sexual acting out, then that’s wonderful. We are all made for love — no exceptions. But not all expressions of love are good or healthy.
3) Redefining Marriage (and its affect)
Marriage is truly the most basic unit of society. Do we really believe that we can redefine it and it won’t do something to every other element of society? That is short-sighted at best and foolish at worst. Whether it affects society for good or for ill is another issue. But what is not at issue is whether it will change anything for all of us.
4) Same Sex Couple Adopting
On the surface, letting gay couples adopt seems like a good thing, doesn’t it? If there are children without homes, shouldn’t we do whatever we can as Christians to ensure they have safe, loving families? That end goal – to give children a family and a home – is indeed a worthy cause. But there are so many contributing factors that the Church must take into consideration when providing guidance on this topic.
A one father, one mother home is the ideal place for a child to be nurtured and loved in both a masculine and feminine way, by a man and woman – the two sexes that God designed to be perfectly complementary in every way, including parenting. Of course, a father/mother home doesn’t always happen because of death, divorce, and situations that require a man or woman to parent on their own. The key here is that it is unfair and violates a child’s rights if we willfully and purposefully deny them a loving mother and father. Ask any child in a single parent home if they wished they had a good mother and a good father and they will absolutely respond with a “yes.” It is ideal for a child’s healthy development that they be raised by a male and a female and we do an injustice to children by purposefully denying them a father or a mother by placing them with a same-sex couple.
5) “Who Am I To Judge?” by Edward Sri (Ignatius Press; Augustine Institute, 2016.)
Law = love. The moral law comes from God’s love: He made us, he knows how we work, and he loves us so much he gives us the law to show us how to live in a way that will lead to our happiness. And the moral law helps us grow in love.
In the end, if the moral law is understood properly, the real question should not be, “Do I really have to follow this law?” but rather, “Do I want to love? Do I want to love God and the people in my life as much as I can? Because if I do, I should be grateful for God’s law showing me the way of love.
Now all these were hard for me to grasp, some more so than the others. Even now, I ask if I can ever see beyond the "no" and the "can't" but to really understand the heart of the matter. I brought all these to mass during Christmas and what I got from it was a grace and peace beyond the turmoil of my own heart and mind. I stared at the Cross and realized that as much as I don't understand some things, I understand one thing perfectly which is His love for me. How can I ever reject God and all that He stands for?
So that's where I am now in this 3 years of a tumultuous journey.
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