My Top 2 Struggles Are Back For 2019
It's been half a year since my last entry. Where did all the time go?
As I look back at the first half of 2019, there were so many things that happened, so many things that I've overcome and yet many more challenges continue to arise.
I remember how the end of 2018 felt. I remember being thoroughly scared for the coming year, afraid of all the new and unknown things that were to come especially in terms of work. My anxiety spiked once again after working hard at it for 3 months from August till October 2018. The first day of work in the new year came and there were so many more new processes to get used to, more work load as the pressure to hit a better KPI was set. I knew I had to get help and so I did.
As I look back at the first half of 2019, there were so many things that happened, so many things that I've overcome and yet many more challenges continue to arise.
I remember how the end of 2018 felt. I remember being thoroughly scared for the coming year, afraid of all the new and unknown things that were to come especially in terms of work. My anxiety spiked once again after working hard at it for 3 months from August till October 2018. The first day of work in the new year came and there were so many more new processes to get used to, more work load as the pressure to hit a better KPI was set. I knew I had to get help and so I did.
Counselling at Monash started in early December and lasted till February around the Chinese New Year period. That became for me a constant space to go to after a hard day at work. Some weeks were better, others not so. The process was gruesome to put it. It was a tiring process to reexamine the past, to dig deep and find answers that I didn't know was even in me, to prod through my mind and my heart in order to get closer to the root of my anxieties.
Although it was a short term counselling stint, it helped me to understand myself a little better and be a little more equipped at handling my breakdowns/panic attacks.
Of course, while the first quarter of the year seemed to be mainly preoccupied with my struggle with anxiety, my battle with same sex attraction slowly creeped in in the second quarter.
Whilst I am proud of myself for sending in my letter/personal testimony of my struggles with SSA to the Catholic Woman, it also unearthed temptations that I haven't had to battle in awhile. You can read the post here.
Although it was a short term counselling stint, it helped me to understand myself a little better and be a little more equipped at handling my breakdowns/panic attacks.
Of course, while the first quarter of the year seemed to be mainly preoccupied with my struggle with anxiety, my battle with same sex attraction slowly creeped in in the second quarter.
Whilst I am proud of myself for sending in my letter/personal testimony of my struggles with SSA to the Catholic Woman, it also unearthed temptations that I haven't had to battle in awhile. You can read the post here.
I hate it when I start to get attracted to my colleague at work and it has happened in every single work place that I've been a part of. What's funny is that it doesn't happen in the beginning, it happens when I start to get close to the person. Being in close proximity doesn't help my stance to stay pure in both my thoughts and my actions.
I hate it not because I have to suppress my emotions, not because I don't genuinely like them but because it causes me to think of them inappropriately. I hate myself for using them emotionally in my head. Don't get me wrong. I respect my friends and their dignity very much. When I saw I "use them", most of my thoughts just go as far as hand holding or just imagining having that emotional connection as two person in love. So as much as my body craves for the touch of someone, it doesn't excuse my mind to go off wandering about the what ifs, fantasising about things that isn't happening in real life.
It usually doesn't last long, a few weeks at most. I'm not sure I would even classify it as infatuation because it more of just a sexual attraction than of any other aspect. Right now, I find myself having to stop my mind from overthinking all the time. Being intoxicated while being in the company of someone I know I might be attracted to isn't something very smart to do. But at the same time, it was something I wanted to feel as well because it's never something that I would search on my own. As much as I want to have someone physical to love, to touch, to hold, it's a decision I have made to never be in a relationship with a girl all because I know my internal conflict would kill me from the inside out.
Yet at the same time, I allow myself to hope, even in the slightest of the possibility of it. What would it be like to ask her out on a date? What would it be like if she actually shows interest in me? What would it be like to kiss her? Almost immediately after these thoughts come in, I shut them out. I put them in a box, I lock it and I shove it aside in a dark corner.
This is perhaps one of the biggest reason and fear why I feel I will never be ready to even think about entering the convent because I'm still unable and unwilling to let go of this alternate possibility. When it comes down to it, my answer will always be the same but my heart always falters and I guess that's what makes me human. I'm not perfect and I'll never be. Only God is.
So that's that for my journey thus far. Oh, and also, I'll be sending in my letter of resignation by the end of the month. So I really don't know what I'll do after my 3 months service of notice has ended but I guess it's finally a time where I get to have a break, get in some me time and figure things out.
Here's me, signing off. See you again maybe in like half a year?
I hate it not because I have to suppress my emotions, not because I don't genuinely like them but because it causes me to think of them inappropriately. I hate myself for using them emotionally in my head. Don't get me wrong. I respect my friends and their dignity very much. When I saw I "use them", most of my thoughts just go as far as hand holding or just imagining having that emotional connection as two person in love. So as much as my body craves for the touch of someone, it doesn't excuse my mind to go off wandering about the what ifs, fantasising about things that isn't happening in real life.
It usually doesn't last long, a few weeks at most. I'm not sure I would even classify it as infatuation because it more of just a sexual attraction than of any other aspect. Right now, I find myself having to stop my mind from overthinking all the time. Being intoxicated while being in the company of someone I know I might be attracted to isn't something very smart to do. But at the same time, it was something I wanted to feel as well because it's never something that I would search on my own. As much as I want to have someone physical to love, to touch, to hold, it's a decision I have made to never be in a relationship with a girl all because I know my internal conflict would kill me from the inside out.
Yet at the same time, I allow myself to hope, even in the slightest of the possibility of it. What would it be like to ask her out on a date? What would it be like if she actually shows interest in me? What would it be like to kiss her? Almost immediately after these thoughts come in, I shut them out. I put them in a box, I lock it and I shove it aside in a dark corner.
This is perhaps one of the biggest reason and fear why I feel I will never be ready to even think about entering the convent because I'm still unable and unwilling to let go of this alternate possibility. When it comes down to it, my answer will always be the same but my heart always falters and I guess that's what makes me human. I'm not perfect and I'll never be. Only God is.
So that's that for my journey thus far. Oh, and also, I'll be sending in my letter of resignation by the end of the month. So I really don't know what I'll do after my 3 months service of notice has ended but I guess it's finally a time where I get to have a break, get in some me time and figure things out.
Here's me, signing off. See you again maybe in like half a year?
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