I Can Only Dream



So I wrote a song today.

I guess I've just been feeling so stuck lately. This Movement Control Order (MCO) is also not helping because being alone means having more in between time entertaining my own thoughts. And of course, as much as I told myself that I'll use this time to focus on reflecting on the Word of God, my self discipline slowly crumbled away. I ended up spending way more time gaming and watching videos which saw me pushing aside my nightly reflections day after day.

The desire to find someone to hold and to love came back stronger. Seeing how people can choose to live a life that makes them happy, I am also inclined to think that they deserve it. Even if a good majority of the world may say that gay relationships are wrong, even if I think that it shouldn't be this way, I cannot or rather, I will not stop anyone from loving who they want to love.

People may say that's relativism, and quite inappropriate for me to take this stand. But I have come to a point in my life where I place mercy and love above the stringent laws of the Church. No doubt, that the law is only there because the Creator knows us fully and wants us to be able to love freely. I still believe that, but I also believe that after an honest sharing of personal values and beliefs with the other person, there remains a choice that the person can still make and whatever that choice may be, I will still be there for her/him.

I'm not sure if I'll ever end up in heaven given how I've always tried to fight the good fight, to live a fruitful and faithful life but I always end up stumbling, falling, and eventually choosing the easier path. I guess to me, I'm more often than now, lukewarm. My words doesn't always translate into actions. People are disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in myself too.

Maybe one day I'll be able to see clearly, whether through firsthand experience or through some epiphany, that this long and windy road to cavalry (or specifically, rejecting the notion of ever being in a relationship with a woman, to not give in to my desire to love who I want to love) would be worth it.

So for now, I can only dream.

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