SOM Closing Testimony

25/10/2020

Have you ever felt like you were going round in circles, not knowing where your life was headed? This was where I was before entering School. I have been working in a humanitarian organization for the past one year and have also been involved with youth ministries for the past 12 years ever since I was 13 years old. Even with all that, the struggle to find my life purpose was constantly there.

Today, I look back at the past four and a half months, and see how God has turned my life completely around. I found direction in my life, experienced the joy of being able to live every day for His glory, and I can look forward to the journey ahead with excitement and anticipation.

The first few weeks of School was where the foundation of transformation was really built. We dedicated time to explore the nature of God and how we see Him in our lives. It really opened up my eyes to see God beyond the understanding I had of Him. It wasn't as if I didn't know who God is but somehow, this time around, the openness to just be surprised brought me to a deeper level in embracing this magnanimous (big big) love the Father has for me. Just like how one of our speakers, Michael Papenkordt, explained it to us, our journey with God is continuously getting deeper and wider like an overturned funnel. The more we understand the revelations of who God is, the more we too discover ourselves in Him.

As I took on the challenge to expand my image of self, I said yes to many things in which some were really uncomfortable but what came out of that was a discovery of the bigger gift of self that I am.
Throughout the School, I had struggled to take on the perspective of God in how he sees me, of seeing myself as being capable and a gift to others. During the outreach phase, this identity of mine was particularly challenged. There were certain incidents that brought back the lie that I am not good enough and that I will never meet the expectations of others.

I remember wanting to hide myself but still, I held on to the truths that God has continuously been hammering into my heart the past few months – that I am good, worthy, chosen and capable. This gave me the strength to continue saying yes in sharing my gifts and what surprised me was the deeper recognition within me, that I'm able to see myself as having something to share and bless others with.

I experienced the feeling of being alive when I was able to let God's light shine through me, in serving others, in building connections, and in bringing joy to the lives of others. One particular experience was when we were in Bongkud and through our nightly gatherings with the young people there, we managed to build close relationships and share life together. Their vulnerability and openness to what we had to offer showed me the innate hunger each of us have to discover at a deeper level who God is. There, I experienced that simple joys can be found no matter where we are, no matter how much we have.

Another highlight was when I was preparing to give a teaching for a weekend seminar on "Healing the Images of God". I remember being very frustrated at myself for not being able to synthesize a proper outline and having to redo my draft three times over the course of that week. In all of that, I was very much relying on my own strength. It wasn't until my sharing partner told me to scrap everything and go to a corner to pray for inspiration from God that I realized how I had left God out of the picture. In my fourth attempt, I was able to integrate much more of my personal experiences and used my own unique gifts to truly make the teaching mine. Though it wasn't a pleasant experience, it will stay with me for a long time because it was in this that I learnt what a big difference it makes when I do things with God as compared to me wanting to be in control.

Throughout the one-month outreach phase, it has once again stirred my desire to live out my call as a missionary disciple every day. As I reach out to others, I am also learning new things and discovering greater truths in my life. It is in this calling that I am growing closer into my true self so that the glory of God may be manifested. I have seen how God takes my ordinary actions and transforms it into extraordinary experiences.

If I could summarize my experience in the School of Mission in just one word, it would have to be the word "free". This time away from everything else gave me an opportunity to look at my internal chaos and name the invisible chains that has kept me stuck to the same place. No longer am I pulled down by the weight of the lies, of the expectations I felt that my parents have of me, of the burdens I have placed upon myself to meet the standards of society. I am free to dream big, and to take on my own path with God paving the way ahead. These dreams and desires that were awaken in my time in School is now ready to shine forth and be made into a reality. I can say with confidence now that I am indeed a gift and capable of so much more.