Finding Hope Again

Take this as a follow up post from the last one. That was December 2024. Now it’s May 2025. Advent came and went. Christmas came and went. Lent came and went. Now we’re in Easter season. So did anything change?

I honestly had hoped that my Lenten abstinence of social media and watching dramas would help me break the cycle of late nights and perhaps even borderline addiction. I knew I was bound to fail after the 40 days because at the back of my mind, I treated it as if it was a temporary pause, not a season to rewrite habits. Easter Monday came and I fell back into it instantaneously, catching up on all the episodes I missed, from night till early morning.

There was guilt mixed in with the temporary feeling of happiness and pleasure. I kept asking for grace and for God to make a strong enough conviction on my heart for me to be able to completely cut this out of my life eventhough I knew it would not happen in that way simply because I chose to continue making the same choices everyday, hoping for a different outcome.

Last weekend I went to help out for a confirmation camp. I told myself that it was going to be the best opportunity for me to allow God to work in me, away from distractions and being intentional about spending time with Him, and so I went there with a prayer of surrender on my heart.

I think when there is a challenge, there is bound to be an opportunity for growth and change to happen, or to simply go back to what we’re used to. 

In this case, I found myself being drawn to a participant. Nothing romantic, nothing sexual. I was just more attentive to her and I think the desire was wanting to get to know her better. But therein lies the deeper challenge. I started questioning myself what does the attraction mean. I was afraid of it becoming something more. Perhaps it’s because I’m so used to burying my feelings and trying (though oftentimes failing) to suppress whatever desires that emerges, that instead of letting it get to that point, I tell myself almost immediately that “it’s bad” so that the mind don’t go off the rails with “what if’s” situations. 

When I was asked if I wanted or felt prompted to share a testimony, I said no. I felt defeated, like I had no stories of victory to tell. I say this because I keep falling into the same sin over and over again, to the point where it feels like I am in no position to tell others that there is hope when it’s hard to see it in my life, and when I am not living it out in this particular struggle. My late night talks with a friend helped me to see how I was downplaying God’s work in my life, and how unique and important my story is if only I allow Him to work in me.

During inner healing, I gazed at the crucifix with the most bloodied body of Jesus out of all of them. I was reminded of how much my sins caused Him pain, and how much He was willing to go through that because of His love for me. I can’t say for certain what changed but I knew that He was inviting me to surrender to Him what I am able to, no matter how big or little it seems. There was a conviction that He wants to chisel away my bad habits that were making this struggle even harder for me to bear. And so I managed to catch Father after mass to ask if he could hear confession. I wanted to make a firm resolve starting from a clean slate. Thereafter I had my YT browsing history cleared so that I could reset the algorithm so that there would be lesser chance of being tempted to indulge in media with girl-girl relationships.

This might seem small but it was something I put off for a long time because at that time, it meant giving up even the media I enjoyed watching. Of course, there are other things that would be good for me to do such as unfollowing accounts of artists that starred in these shows but I’ve not come to that space yet. 😅 I did, however, add the setting of time limit on my socmeds so that I don’t start doomscrolling again.

So that’s that. I came out with a bit more hope and a stronger resolve to do things differently. My request for prayer has always been for me to remain faithful to God and that I don’t lose hope in Him. If you’re reading this and you’ve reached the end of this post, do say a prayer for me.