Life’s Biggest Questions: Who Am I? What is the Meaning of Life?

One common question that is often asked by young people is “What is the meaning of life?”. Yet, behind that question lies a greater one: “Who am I?”. 

Before we can even find out what our lives are made for, it only makes sense to go back to our identity. After all, when we are able to name for ourselves our personality, our likes and dislikes, our strengths and weaknesses, and our dreams and desires, would we be able to live life fully with purpose.

Thomas Merton, Roman Catholic monk, poet, and spiritual writer of the 20th century, explains that “at the center of our being is a point of nothingness which is untouched by sin and illusion – a point of pure truth, a point or spark which belongs entirely to God. This point is the pure glory of God in us. It is like a pure diamond and is in everybody.” [1]

To break it down, Merton speaks about how there is a part within us that lies our true identity of how God sees us. It is not distorted by sin, by the brokenness of this world, nor the perception of self and others. Known as the strongest natural material, diamonds are one of the most precious gem, and this gem is in all of us. It requires only a deeper searching with God to discover our true self.

So often we allow others to define who we are. We cultivate these ill-intentions but God sees us as pure and holy. In fact, there is this deeper longing in us to be recognized as pure, beautiful and desirable. It’s something we would want our best friends and partners to see but reality is that while they can celebrate them, they can only see parts of ourselves. But here’s the thing: God sees all. This desire to be fully known and fully loved is possible and it can only be found in God.

What is Stopping Us From Discovering the Pure Diamond in Us? 

We often find ourselves hiding behind masks because of the lies we hear or tell ourselves, which then leads to fear, and from it, we form unrealistic expectations of self. 

The lie of what I tell myself for the longest time has been that I am not good enough. This stemmed from the authority figures in my childhood which were my teachers back then. I remember one incident very clearly. When 10 years old, my teacher told me of her regret of picking me to represent our sports house for the high jump competition. Her voice of “not being good enough” rang throughout my life as I was growing up. This eventually became my identity in which I believed that I had to perform well in order for others to see my worth. Because I had a problem with authority figure and God was one too, I saw Him as someone was always far away and not interested in my life.

This brought about the fear that no one will love and accept me if I fail to reach their expectations. Because this lie was so strong in my life, I felt like I always had to walk on eggshells. This caused me to set a high standard for myself: ensuring that I am always meeting was what expected of me, and making sure I don’t end up in the bad books of others. I have never allowed myself to fail because what would happen is I will be forgotten and cast aside. However, as much as I try, I often feel like my efforts will never be good enough. I realized I had put in so much effort only to constantly feel tired for not allowing myself to verbalize my deeper thoughts, feelings, and desires.

Something Richard Rohr wrote in his book stood out to me. He says that we have a “human temptation to run from and deny not just the divine presence, but our own true selves that is our souls, our inner destiny, our true identity. Your True Self is that part of you that knows who you are and whose you are, although largely unconsciously... It is like mining for a diamond. We must dig deep, and yet seem reluctant, even afraid, to do so.” [2]

It is true that at times, it is easier to just trust the lies and limit ourselves to just how others see us. But when we do that, we start to also limit how we see God. There is a direct relationship between how we see God, self and others. If I can see myself as capable and good, then I would also naturally see the good in others and affirm them for that. God for me would then be a Good Father. 

But let’s say I have an issue with myself, then I would also have an issue with God. If I call myself useless, then most probably I would see others as always being better than me and that God is unfair. My blame would always be on God that He created me less than others.  

Tracing Back to the Creator

One of my personal favourite verse is from Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you”. It speaks clearly about our origin and identity. The fact that God knows us even before He created us shows just how vast His love is for us. He created us not because He needs us to carry out His plans or to entertain Him, but because His love and goodness just overflows into this invitation to share in this eternal life with Him forever. God knows us more than anyone else in the world and He is constantly revealing more truths to us. 

When we know the source of our truest identity, then comes the choice to either seek, love, and know God, or to turn our backs on Him and rely on the voices around us. It is when we have a clear understanding of how we see God that we come to know and love ourselves better. 

Tying it with the Catechism of the Catholic Church #27, we are also then able to discover the beautiful reason of what we were created for [3]. 

“The desire for God is written in the human heart”

Since conception, before we even learnt anything, we already have a natural inclination towards love. This desire for love has been hardwired into our very nature, our DNA, as humans. Because God is love (cf. 1 Jn 4:8), therefore this love that we’ve been searching all our lives for, is only found in God.

“Man is created by God and for God” 

Ultimately, our deepest fulfillment comes as we live according to the way we were created. Just like how a chair was created to be sat on, we were created for a purpose as well. When we truly start to seek God, we will then get to know Him, and from that, experience His love for us that is beyond what we’ve ever imagined. God, who created us out of pure goodness, desires for us to respond and share in His goodness.

“God never ceases to draw man to himself”

God is constantly pursuing us even though we might not respond. His love for us is not based on what we do or how we love Him back. There is no condition to His love because His love for us has always been there, always is, and always will be. This kind of intimate and personal love is something we all crave for, to be treasured for all parts of ourselves.

 “Only in God will (man) find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for.”

I have experienced for myself that this search for a deeper love and fulfillment does not have to be a lifelong search. God has been present throughout our lives. We need only be aware of His presence and allow Him into our lives. Before God created us, He knew us. Before He knew us, He loved us first.

My Personal Search

This search begun early this year when I started feeling very dejected and hopeless about my future. I was unhappy at work and even in the relationships around me. These things, which I used to find meaning in, weren’t giving me the happiness that they used to anymore. I started going for counselling and through the weekly sessions, I slowly got the root of the issues I was facing: I had lost my sense of identity. I didn’t know who I was without my achievements, and I didn’t know what my desires for myself were. I realized that I had been so used to listening to the voices around me that I never stopped to consider my own dreams and desire for myself. Although God has always been a part of my life, I had created this distance with Him which I was comfortable with for the longest time. I saw it as God doing His own thing, and here I am, living my own life and only going to Him when I have to.

A breakthrough happened very recently during Lent this year where I prayed very earnestly to God about my struggle. His voice came loud and clear that night, that I always have a choice and that I am free to make it. God affirmed me that I am not a slave to anyone, even myself. I do not need to conform to the expectations and perceptions of others. 

I decided to enter into the ICPE School of Mission with the sole purpose of rediscovering my identity. Here, I really allowed God to remove the false image of Him and restored my understanding of Him and myself. I realized that God isn’t far away. I had put Him there. God is in fact so loving and present, and all it took was my openness to Him to see that. In this journey, I found a deeper identity of myself and I can now claim that I am chosen, unique and a gift to others.

This newfound perspective of how I see myself has been very freeing. I no longer worry about needing to follow the expectations of my parents, of my extended family, of my friends, but only wanting to respond to God’s call for me. I know that He has made me for more and that He has great plans ahead for me. 

The verse Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.” which I have been holding on to since early this year then makes even more sense to me. Each time I call to God, He expands my perception and knowledge of Him. Day by day, he reveals a bigger image of who I am and what I am capable of when I respond to His invitation to say yes to the things that challenges me and stretches me.

Indeed, when we call on God, He always answers us through all kinds of means such as scripture, prayer time, people around us, experiences or even nature. In our journey of life, there will always be more to discover about God and about ourselves which makes this journey so exciting. I encourage you to continue uncovering your pure diamond, dear brothers and sisters!

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References:

[1] Thomas Merton, 1965. “Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander”, pg. 142.

[2] Richard Rohr, 2013. “Immortal Diamond: The Search for Our True Self”. Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge.

[3] Catholic Church, 2012. “Catechism of the Catholic Church”, 2nd ed., no.27. Libreria Editrice Vaticana.