9 years of struggle—will things change once it hits a decade?

As I hit the lights and attempted to sleep last night at 2am, I found myself tossing and turning as thoughts kept popping up in my mind one after another, keeping me restless. 

In the past few weeks / one month, I have been filling in my time after work to catch up on newly released GL series from Thailand. As I get more invested in the fandom and the lives of the actresses, I find myself once again intrigued and somewhat desiring a relationship, at least to just be able to experience what it feels like to have a special someone to care for and to be cared by. This is not to say that these types of shows trigger me to see a certain lack in my life as it is bound to happen even if I watch shows with heterosexual couples but only because it feels more relatable and hopeful for me in seeing two females get their happy ending. At the very least, even if it doesn't happen in my own life, I can still find some form of comfort and happiness in seeing these fictional couples overcome their own set of struggles and still choose each other.

A huge reason why I've always said that I am not ready for relationship with a man as much as friends around me are dating, getting married, settling down, is not because I don't have space for another person in my life, but because I cannot picture myself with one. There is not only no physical attraction, but more than that, I think because of previous traumatic experiences, I have not healed from the violation and feel very unsafe with the touch of a man. Hence to allow someone into my safe space and to be intimate seems very unlikely to happen.

Yet at the same time, because of my faith, circle of friends, and the general society's perception of same sex relationship, there is still a huge fear of acknowledging these preferences in attraction and sharing what I feel to others. That's why I've never tried to confirm or deny the gender when I speak to friends and colleagues about my interest in relationships. Even on dating apps, I try to remain open and match with men but it never goes the way I hope they do.

There was a point this year when I felt the reality of this loneliness and how difficult it was to hide my feelings. In a way, I would also like to experience the freedom of being able to share with friends about things like crushes and giggle away like teenage girls. But I don't do that because of shame, because of the fear of being judged and being looked at or worse, treated differently, and so I keep everything to myself while trying to put a lid on my emotions. An example of how this was difficult for me was when I had a conversation with a friend on dealing with this crush of mine and the overwhelming hormonally charged emotions, and she said to go ahead and tell this person but when I mentioned that the person is not a 'he', but a 'she', then it immediately became a no, cannot, forget about it. 

In these past 9 years of learning how to deal with my attractions and emotions, the realisation is that at the core of it, I just want someone to love and care for me. I've been independent and put up a strong front for most of my life that really, the desire is to be able to find someone that I can trust to finally put down my walls, to be able to lean on and rely on someone else other than myself, and to be intimately known and loved.

Of course, ultimately the One who fulfills all the desires of the heart is none other than our Heavenly Father who knows precisely my deepest desires and struggles. Yet I am not being real if I say that I don't struggle with this spiritual vs. physical sustenance. Perhaps this is also why I am very hesitant in fully considering the religious life wholeheartedly because I am afraid that what if down the road, my resolve and love for God starts to waver and I start to desire someone else more than Him? Being honest to myself and to God, it's not the difficulty of dealing with the attractions that is stopping me but more so is the dichotomy in me, the push and pull of this desire of wanting a relationship with a woman yet knowing it cannot happen.

This Advent has proved very difficult because my words and intentions is not matching my actions at all. I keep telling myself to make space for Christ by cutting down on hours browsing media and get back into prayer but I've yet to be successful and it is already Gaudete Sunday a.k.a. third week of Advent with only 10 days left till Christmas. Lord, please help this unworthy daughter of Yours. And if any of you are reading this, please lift up a prayer for me that things will become clearer and that I will find my way back on the path He has set me on.