Letter to My Future Companion
This morning I went for a coffee chat with a FMM sister and some ladies about religious life. Then in the afternoon, I was with some friends as they shared about marriage life. I shared about wanting neither and will continue to choose to stay single. That's always been my default answer.
But lately I've been pondering a lot and asking God which vocation He would like for me which would allow me to love Him best. I don't feel ready for religious life as I'm afraid I won't be able to live faithfully to the vows and lifestyle of the sisters. On the other hand, I'm also unsure if I would ever be able to love a man, especially in the context of marriage.
Though as I continue to ask the question if religious life is what I truly desire, and what God desires for me, I come to understand bit by bit about why this particular vocation seems so attractive to me and what it tells me about my deeper desires. What Sr. Susanna shared this morning made a lot of sense about how religious women and men seem to be much more attractive because of the unique grace that is poured upon them. As I seek and ask the Lord for closure this year for this particular vocation, knowing that I've taken all the steps I can to seriously discern about it, I start to see healing and feeling a bit more free in being able to close the door simply because of the reason that it's not for me and not because it was closed on me. The rejection I felt previously was surrounded on the fact that I have SSA and I've been treating it as a major obstacle from being able to follow Christ fully, but as what Fr. Nale rightly asked me last month, is it truly that big of an obstacle or have I made it to be one because ultimately, no matter what vocation I end up in, this struggle will continue to be there (unless God creates a miracle) and it's something that I'm still learning to live with while staying faithful to God and not suppressing when emotions or desires arises.
A few weeks ago, I found out about how a friend of mine had attractions for the same person I had feelings for last year. When I heard the news, there were no feelings of jealousy or wanting to vie for attention. In fact, I understood why my friend liked her and even felt a bit of compassion for him since he also got rejected (though I never made a romantic confession, I did share with her about the strong attraction I felt for her). Although that feeling has since faded, it got me thinking about the level or depth my attractions tend to be. Is it really love if it can fade so easily overtime? I wouldn't know because I've never been in a relationship. But I'm really starting to doubt if I could love a person for the rest of my life.
So my prayer this year has been more of asking God to send me a best friend, a companion I can journey with for life. In with capacity or in what form of relationship, I leave it up to God, whether it be in the context of a spiritual friend, of a lay community or religious member, or a romantic partner.
Over the years, my journey with God has looked a lot like (i) going on adventures, (ii) learning to be a playmate, and (iii) leaning into my identity as His beloved child where my walls can just break down and I can trust to let go control. I realised this is what I also desire for this companion's role in my life — not to take over or replace the role of God, but to be an addition, almost like a physical companion to walk together with God.
I have never been able to do the exercises of "writing a letter to your future spouse" or "listing out qualities you would like in a partner" that are suggested in camps, but perhaps what I can do now is to write down a letter to this future companion of mine with the hope that I can one day share this with this person.
Dear friend,
I've been praying a lot for you to come into my life. I'm glad to be able to find someone I can be myself with, without having to prove my worth or needing to meet the expectations of how I should be. I'm relieved to be able to let down my walls and trust in someone other than myself to see things through, to allow myself to be taken care of instead of feeling as if I have to take care of others. I'm overjoyed that I can share my interests with you, to do things together, to support one another on this pilgrim journey, to go on adventures together, to be playmates in the kingdom of God, and ultimately, to have the same end goal in life.
With love, Rachel
As I'm writing this post, these were some of the songs that were playing on my Spotify and it brought tears to my eye, almost as if God was telling me to not be troubled by these questions and fears, and to trust that He knows my heart best.
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