Reflection Journal #1

Lord, there have been countless times where I have said that I wanted to lift everything up to you. I have always been saying yes, to lifting my life up into Your hands, to opening my heart for You to come into my life, to be totally Yours to use so that I may be your instrument. But YET, I found myself today unable to take that leap of faith, to come out of my comfort zone EVEN after listening to a talk about it. I do not know whether it was my fears that locked me into place, not allowing me to stand up, let go, and let God, or just me that is unwilling to change (though I doubt the latter because I know I have changed even just a little bit). I do know that this has really made me feel like I've let God down.

So many times have I ask God to work His ways with my life. I know I trust Him to do so. So why do I find myself always stepping back away from His callings when He actually does reach out to me? In 2012, when I was finally chosen to be in the Outreach Team for Rally, I was so happy because I've yearned for it since I first attended Rally in 2009. Looking at all the youths serving God made me want to do it too. But then, just only 3 months into the practices and training camps, I decided to quit. It wasn't so much of my parents fault even though they asked me not to do it anymore because of the late night and frequent practices, but as I reflect back, it was mainly me that went with their suggestion to quit. That, too, has bugged me ever since.

God has been so kind to me. Today again when they said to come forward to get prayed for if you feel like there's this fear inside of you that is hindering you from taking this leap of faith. I really wanted to go but as I waited for my turn to go in front, my resolve started wavering. In the end, I did not have the courage to just step forward. Even when the uncle said that he sensed a young lady in the room that wants to serve God but is afraid to do so, to step up and walk to the front, I was scared to do so because I didn't know whether he was referring to me or another girl. Inside, I knew I truly wanted to serve God, to be able to do His will and to be His faithful servant.

Why can't I ever trust God fully? Why can't I put a 100% faith in God? I can say it out, I can write it out, I know it in my heart, in my mind, but when it comes to action, it just doesn't translate. I want to, with all my heart, to be able to live a life serving God, giving my all to Him. I want to live this life for Him alone because it was He who has created me, He who has set me here, He who knows my ways, He who will ultimately give me eternal life. Because this world is never enough for me, this world is just temporary, this world can never compare to your temple above. Jesus, be the center of my life, Lord.

Give me another chance to serve you, Lord. Take away my insecurities, my fears, my unworthiness, and mould me into the person I am meant to be. As once again I tell you Lord, everything I lift into Your mighty hands, Lord. Direct me, guide me, lead me.