Reflection: Time with Him vs. for Him
Perhaps some of you may know that recently I've been feeling quite lost in terms of direction in life. Mainly about my confusion on how best to serve God and so, which ministry should I choose and which should I let go of. I prayed to God to help me find some sort of clarity or answer during the 3 days of second training camp.
I really needed it, honestly. I didn't realize that I've started doubting God until then. So often I felt like I was on the right track, doing the right thing but I never realize that what I felt, or rather, what I hadn't felt, was actually pulling me away from God. I think I started believing that being unable to feel His presence meant that I'm drifting further away from Him and that He was ignoring me. I guess I didn't realize what I was doing to myself. I let all the doubts and confusion consume me instead of trusting in Him and putting everything into His hands.
What really touched me during the whole camp was the group prayer we had on Sunday. It was much more like a healing session to me. To be able to pray for others, and in turn, having them to pray over you was really powerful. I can honestly say that I'm scared to pray out loud especially in groups. I have no problem having a personal prayer. I guess it's mainly because I fear others judging me and also, prayer actually allows us to be vulnerable. We put our souls out there, all our fears, our wrongdoings, our insecurities. And so, I usually shy away when asked to lead a group prayer, and even try to skip my turn to buy more time to think during group sharings. So that's why I prefer writing because it gives me time to think and to write down my thoughts without feeling pressured.
But nevertheless, I did pray for others during the session. 3 times, in fact. As time passed, I found it was a lot easier. The jitters slowly faded. There was one important thing that I realized during the duration of this camp: to do His works wholeheartedly with the right intention in mind. Although this might seem like something I should know by now, looking back, I never really put my heart into attending practices and going for fellowships. To me, it was always a slight waste of time in the sense that during our production meeting, we don't do anything productive.
However, this goes back to the question of what do I want and what am I searching for. I always say that I want to serve Him but I don't know how. But perhaps the answer was always there. I just never realise it. Ultimately, what I want was always simple - to be closer to God and to glorify Him - and the most important thing is not to serve, but to just BE. Be with God, spend time with Him, grow in faith through prayer, be a Christian through words, actions, and thoughts. I think I always focus on the doing rather than on the being but perhaps we should first work on our relationship with God by spending more time with Him before deciding to do mission work and spending most of our time for Him. It is only through prayer that we are able to find direction in the things we do.
It is important to note that prayer is not something we do, but it is something that is lived everyday. When our lives becomes our prayer, that is when we truly have a close relationship with God because we would then have a real awareness of Him in everything we do. As St Paul said, "pray without ceasing".
Do pray for me. :)
I really needed it, honestly. I didn't realize that I've started doubting God until then. So often I felt like I was on the right track, doing the right thing but I never realize that what I felt, or rather, what I hadn't felt, was actually pulling me away from God. I think I started believing that being unable to feel His presence meant that I'm drifting further away from Him and that He was ignoring me. I guess I didn't realize what I was doing to myself. I let all the doubts and confusion consume me instead of trusting in Him and putting everything into His hands.
What really touched me during the whole camp was the group prayer we had on Sunday. It was much more like a healing session to me. To be able to pray for others, and in turn, having them to pray over you was really powerful. I can honestly say that I'm scared to pray out loud especially in groups. I have no problem having a personal prayer. I guess it's mainly because I fear others judging me and also, prayer actually allows us to be vulnerable. We put our souls out there, all our fears, our wrongdoings, our insecurities. And so, I usually shy away when asked to lead a group prayer, and even try to skip my turn to buy more time to think during group sharings. So that's why I prefer writing because it gives me time to think and to write down my thoughts without feeling pressured.
But nevertheless, I did pray for others during the session. 3 times, in fact. As time passed, I found it was a lot easier. The jitters slowly faded. There was one important thing that I realized during the duration of this camp: to do His works wholeheartedly with the right intention in mind. Although this might seem like something I should know by now, looking back, I never really put my heart into attending practices and going for fellowships. To me, it was always a slight waste of time in the sense that during our production meeting, we don't do anything productive.
However, this goes back to the question of what do I want and what am I searching for. I always say that I want to serve Him but I don't know how. But perhaps the answer was always there. I just never realise it. Ultimately, what I want was always simple - to be closer to God and to glorify Him - and the most important thing is not to serve, but to just BE. Be with God, spend time with Him, grow in faith through prayer, be a Christian through words, actions, and thoughts. I think I always focus on the doing rather than on the being but perhaps we should first work on our relationship with God by spending more time with Him before deciding to do mission work and spending most of our time for Him. It is only through prayer that we are able to find direction in the things we do.
It is important to note that prayer is not something we do, but it is something that is lived everyday. When our lives becomes our prayer, that is when we truly have a close relationship with God because we would then have a real awareness of Him in everything we do. As St Paul said, "pray without ceasing".
Do pray for me. :)
Comments
Post a Comment