Why did I decide to apply?

29/4/2020

Be prepared for a long story.

Back in 2018, I've had the opportunity of a lifetime to be part of a 3-weeks mission trip to Poland. It was a year of experiences that had opened up my heart to new possibilities — of being a fulltime missionary, a religious, a counsellor, etc. Ever since then, I came back with a strong desire to commit a greater part of my life to God.

Although as much as I had great plans in my mind, reality isn't always the same. I came back home and not long after, I started a new job (which I made sure I already had secured before going for the trip). I've always felt pressured to work, to gain income, to have a stable career because that was what was deemed by society and the people around me as the normal thing to do. I battled against anxieties, with insecurities, that looking back, 2019 almost seemed too long of a year. After being in that company for a year, I made a concrete decision to step out of that job and to go into something that was more in-line with my values which is where I'm currently at —  a Christian NGO.

One thing to note is that I find myself in a cycle/loop a lot. I say this because as much as I try to change my circumstances (my job in this case) in hopes that I'll be able to find satisfaction and happiness in the job, it doesn't happen. I've always asked myself if it was just me, if there was something wrong with how I was perceiving things or how I was approaching things. Early this year, I found myself in that same familiar space of being indifferent about things again, of really struggling to find the purpose of my life. That was when my good friend, Anju, encouraged me to consider School again and speak to Derek, the director of the School, about it.

I did think about it, even had the call but eventually decided to push it aside, convincing myself that now is not the right time for it. I hadn't even finish my probation then, and I couldn't just keep getting out of short term jobs. Then well next thing you know, Lent came, then the Movement Control Order (MCO) was put in place and everything just went downhill from there because I was stuck at home with little to no interaction with friends. I remember using the alone/free time to distract myself with entertainment and games which slowly lead me further and further away from God and my faith because I would push prayer time aside, say no to online formation/studies, basically choosing what was more 'fun'.

The Holy Spirit worked wonders in my life in order to get me out of that unhealthy routine I was having. Our consciousness really is powerful and mine knew I wasn't doing right by God and myself. I felt the guilt of pushing Him aside but I also really wanted to justify my actions really badly, to just be able to choose what makes me happy. After keeping that in for what felt like a long time, I finally had a chance to speak to a friend about it and boy did I get a verbal slap in the face. She reminded me that I was better than this and that I can do better. That gave me a good wake up call to stop staying on the fence and pick a side. It was either going to be for God or against Him. If I really say that I love Him, I better be living my life that way.

My anxieties and worries for the future was still there though. I still had no idea what I was going to do with my life, whether I should stay on in my current job or to explore something else and to keep doing that until I stumble upon something that I can say for sure that 'this is it!'. During one of my weekly counselling sessions, the topic at hand was exploring how the expectations of others in my life had always taken precedence over my own desires to the point where I found it hard to name specifically what I want for my life. That really got me thinking and as I reflected more and more, God also graced upon me a sudden clarity that I wasn't stuck at where I am, that I can choose to move out of it if it's really making me unhappy. There was this sense of peace, security and courage to choose to let go of all my worries and all the expectations that has been placed upon me to be a certain someone. He was inviting me to rediscover my identity in Him, and to really know deep in my heart that I am worthy (which is the theme for this year's School) just as I am without having to prove my worth to everyone else.

Hence, my decision to apply really boils down to one simple thing: to build a firm foundation of who God is and who I am. Without a clear conviction and deep roots of my identity, everything I do might not make much sense because it is not flowing from the source of Love. Honestly, ever since sending in my application, I have never felt more liberated and free for finally making a move. Whatever comes next, I am certain that the Lord will respond to my needs and transform my yes into something more. 

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