Life's Journey with God

Just a little check in with my feelings, after not seeing and talking to her  for awhile now, I realized that the feelings I had for her has now been subdued. I no longer think about her, become nervous around her, or even the pull to want to be close to her. I guess I can really compartmentalize it as just a passing attraction.  However, I'm not discounting the fact that she did make me feel something for her in the past and that's really also why I decided to pursue, to find out what the feeling was. Here I am, fairly certain I like girls, just not her I guess. It was an incident that started off that chain of thought anyway. I guess it can get pretty confusing at times if wanting physical touch from a person is because I like the said person, or because seeing as how I'm a highly physical person, it's just my form of wanting and receiving love. Either way, I'm really comfortable at where I am now. I don't really think about my sexuality that much nowadays or

So I decided to publish all my drafted posts because I really want to be able to carry out this journey and sticking to my value of being true to myself and others. For all posts related to me discovering more about myself and this attraction I have for the same sex shall be written as logs. Being attentive and attune to my feelings is important in my opinion, to be aware and to ensure that my actions and my thoughts are accountable as a child of God. I want to carry on this journey with the people around me who love me for who I am, who has allowed me to understand the love God has for me and the love I have for myself. AMDG. These dates shall serve as a reminder of how far I've come and how better to move forward.

And just like that, a 4-days camp is coming to an end. I realize that though I might have said that I was coming in without any expectation but in fact, I did. I needed to search something so much more with this identity of mine, to realize that I have SSA, to find God and myself amidst all these.  What struck me in this camp was not the sessions because it went so much more beyond that. Sure it made me realize things and had to reevaluate my relationship with others and how I've been acting but more than that, I realize that I've been trying to find a certain type of acceptance for awhile now. For the church or someone to tell me yeah, it's fine. Be who you are and do what makes you happy. But what Amanda said struck me. There are many types of love and without realizing how much of phileo (friendship love) I actually have in my life, the only thing I was focusing on was eros (romantic love) and it causes me to not be able to accept fully the love that is given to me. Spea

So looking back to how I was before all this, to the values I so tightly hold and desperately trying to convince others and myself on how unnatural same sex attraction is, about how it isn't normal, it was only now that I realize that the church's teachings are meant to free us, not bind us, to help us find freedom and love, not restrict and feel unhappy. So despite all that, I realize now that it is the love of Christ that is the most important and no one can ever take that away from me. Accepting myself and accepting what this is, is the first step in fully accepting Christ's love for me. Being around people that knows what I'm going through, having these amazing humans to journey with me means a lot to me. And speaking to someone who have gone through this, having experienced what I am going through now is so so important for me. To not be alone and to have someone, especially a sister in Christ there for me who I can go to no matter what and not be judged but just

Why am I sad ? What makes me sad? Why am I happy ? What makes me happy? Why am I angry ? What makes me angry? Questions to reflect on as I continue to reflect deeper and get in touch with my feelings. What do I feel when I see her? What goes on in my mind when I see her? Vice versa, how do I feel and what do I think of when I don't see her? Let's see if this is just a phase or is the feelings getting real. Dated: 22 November 2016 Day 1 - 22/11 I am sad because I can't see to find happiness in day to day life. Friends seem to only be a temporary measure and it takes too much effort and strength from me to maintain conversations sometimes. I am sad when I am lonely. Often, the me time that I have makes me ponder on a lot of things and question things but more often than not, I just need it to be alone and away from people. Meeting certain people can definitely make me happy but for today, all I'm feeling is a dulled sense and just being down.

Today was an emotional day for me, from crying before mass, during mass, and even more during adoration. Having Father back also means that I'm able to talk to him soon. Lifting everything up to God, thoughts of being not good enough, not whole, not perfect, being unworthy of His great love but still He loves me even more so. God's message to me was so profound and clear; ""Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."  - Matthew 7:7 He knows what I'm facing, the thoughts in my mind, the desire in my heart, and having to be on this journey alone without Him is impossible. Maybe with time, this yearning will be directed to Him. To seek Him with all my heart and to find true joy and happiness without having to fall into worldly temptations. I just want to know I'm not alone in this journey. Recently I've been feeling the tug, the pull, the desire to find someone special in my life it'