Log 5: Discovery
Why am I sad?
What makes me sad?
Why am I happy?
What makes me happy?
Why am I angry?
What makes me angry?
Questions to reflect on as I continue to reflect deeper and get in touch with my feelings.
What do I feel when I see her?
What goes on in my mind when I see her?
Vice versa, how do I feel and what do I think of when I don't see her?
Let's see if this is just a phase or is the feelings getting real.
Dated: 22 November 2016
Day 1 - 22/11
I am sad because I can't see to find happiness in day to day life. Friends seem to only be a temporary measure and it takes too much effort and strength from me to maintain conversations sometimes.
I am sad when I am lonely. Often, the me time that I have makes me ponder on a lot of things and question things but more often than not, I just need it to be alone and away from people.
Meeting certain people can definitely make me happy but for today, all I'm feeling is a dulled sense and just being down. Angry. Probably angry at the world for having stigmas about people different from them, treating them and seeing them differently. Not accepting others just because it is not the norm causes many to stay hidden, afraid of what might happen if they do come out.
Like yesterday, calling her and talking to her was good. It put a smile to my face and I would just like to continue being there for her, caring and being a good friend at the moment. Getting to know her more is important. And as usual, physical touch i.e. holding her hands just feel so right, so good. Sigh. Maybe this is a fleeting emotion that will pass.
Day 2 - 28/11
Oh hey this might get weirder and weirder to write as its all on the net (even though it isn't posted). Um let's see. Now that I look back, I would say that the feeling is slowly passing away and as always, I see it as more of an infatuation than actually liking the person. I mean sure I like being close to them and such but to want something beyond that is not so much a desire as I would initially expect it to be.
I don't really feel emotionally nor physically yearning to be with that person anymore. I guess I see her more as a close friend and I am pretty sure she doesn't like girls to begin with but aside from that, I'm just happy at where I am with her right now, with the group, being with all my good friends and having a good time in uni.
For what its worth, I guess I finally settled down and the "newness" and "hyped up feeling" of this transition/realization is wearing off. I don't feel the urge to read or watch things related to wlw anymore to satisfy whatever it was that I was searching for, be it the overwhelming feeling of loneliness, or just wanting to, as they say, "soak in all the gayness" of it. Just wanting to feel like it isn't weird, like it isn't something different.
I guess for now, I just want to take things slow. Whether or not I do or do not like girls in that way, I definitely feel more comfortable with girls and being with boys just don't make me feel that way. I see them more of really good brothers and treat them like one too. Taking time to figure out, to grow, to discover, I thing all these things are really important before I let myself "label" or put a name to my sexuality. To me, its about the person not the gender and so, if I ever meet the right person that brings out the best in me, that makes me want to care for her/him, then something will eventually happen but if it doesn't, I know I still have my God with me, being by my side. My spouse in heaven.
Aside from all this, I realize that sometimes, the things I do, the decisions I make, the life I'm living may not necessarily be for me. The opinions of others matter a lot to me and so, sometimes I let them make the decisions for me. But its these little things that slowly accumulates to push you from doing the things you love, being the person you wanna be. Growing up, I had many aspirations and like many others, I wanted to try out different things, taking risks, and living the way I want to. I get that taking risks is a dangerous game to play but if you don't, you never know the "what if's" and the "what might's".
Pursing music but never believing I was good or talented enough. Singing, playing, dancing, acting even, I really love expressing myself through arts but in the Asian community, what are these things worth if it can't make money. I want to go out there, to travel halfway across the world, to the United States, to learn and to enjoy the arts, the culture that we don't have it here. But as it is, I don't know if I'll ever gets the guts to do it when so many people tells you that's just a dream, a fantasy, a crazy tell tale if you were ever to pursue it. Sure advertising as it is is already a part of arts and the creative industry but the way we were brought up, the education we went through as a child, has any of it actually cultivated our creativity?
Studies? I can study, no problem. After all, its all just reading and memorizing and maybe a little bit of application but it just puts you back into the same old box people are telling you to get out from. "Think out of the box" they say. Why do studies take importance over things like experiences out of class? To go out, to do the things you want to try when you know it will never happen again. Is skipping classes really a huge deal?
Who creates stereotypes anyway? Oh wait. I remember. Us. Humans. We are honestly going to be the downfall of ourselves. Speaking of stereotypes, I am really really pissed at the standard of how a specific gender should look, of how male and females should dress. If a girl wants to get a really short haircut, then let her be. If she fancies boys clothes more than dresses and blouses, let her be. If she hangs out with the boys more, don't just put her off as one of the boys and not see her as a girl. Heck. I hate it with people tell me all the time, "Stop dressing like a boy." "Do you want to be a boy?" "Enough piercings, you look like a gay." "Are you a lesbian?" "Don't cut your hair short, trying to look like the opposite sex." I feel comfortable in my own skin so why do you care? But I do, I do care what others say. And not getting the recognition that yes, I am a woman, that yes, I do want to be treated like one, and I do want to be complimented for being pretty or beautiful, or just being appreciated for the person I am without me having to fit into the mould you want me to be. I want to be able to love myself too. I just want to be happy being the real me.
What makes me sad?
Why am I happy?
What makes me happy?
Why am I angry?
What makes me angry?
Questions to reflect on as I continue to reflect deeper and get in touch with my feelings.
What do I feel when I see her?
What goes on in my mind when I see her?
Vice versa, how do I feel and what do I think of when I don't see her?
Let's see if this is just a phase or is the feelings getting real.
Dated: 22 November 2016
Day 1 - 22/11
I am sad because I can't see to find happiness in day to day life. Friends seem to only be a temporary measure and it takes too much effort and strength from me to maintain conversations sometimes.
I am sad when I am lonely. Often, the me time that I have makes me ponder on a lot of things and question things but more often than not, I just need it to be alone and away from people.
Meeting certain people can definitely make me happy but for today, all I'm feeling is a dulled sense and just being down. Angry. Probably angry at the world for having stigmas about people different from them, treating them and seeing them differently. Not accepting others just because it is not the norm causes many to stay hidden, afraid of what might happen if they do come out.
Like yesterday, calling her and talking to her was good. It put a smile to my face and I would just like to continue being there for her, caring and being a good friend at the moment. Getting to know her more is important. And as usual, physical touch i.e. holding her hands just feel so right, so good. Sigh. Maybe this is a fleeting emotion that will pass.
Day 2 - 28/11
Oh hey this might get weirder and weirder to write as its all on the net (even though it isn't posted). Um let's see. Now that I look back, I would say that the feeling is slowly passing away and as always, I see it as more of an infatuation than actually liking the person. I mean sure I like being close to them and such but to want something beyond that is not so much a desire as I would initially expect it to be.
I don't really feel emotionally nor physically yearning to be with that person anymore. I guess I see her more as a close friend and I am pretty sure she doesn't like girls to begin with but aside from that, I'm just happy at where I am with her right now, with the group, being with all my good friends and having a good time in uni.
For what its worth, I guess I finally settled down and the "newness" and "hyped up feeling" of this transition/realization is wearing off. I don't feel the urge to read or watch things related to wlw anymore to satisfy whatever it was that I was searching for, be it the overwhelming feeling of loneliness, or just wanting to, as they say, "soak in all the gayness" of it. Just wanting to feel like it isn't weird, like it isn't something different.
I guess for now, I just want to take things slow. Whether or not I do or do not like girls in that way, I definitely feel more comfortable with girls and being with boys just don't make me feel that way. I see them more of really good brothers and treat them like one too. Taking time to figure out, to grow, to discover, I thing all these things are really important before I let myself "label" or put a name to my sexuality. To me, its about the person not the gender and so, if I ever meet the right person that brings out the best in me, that makes me want to care for her/him, then something will eventually happen but if it doesn't, I know I still have my God with me, being by my side. My spouse in heaven.
Aside from all this, I realize that sometimes, the things I do, the decisions I make, the life I'm living may not necessarily be for me. The opinions of others matter a lot to me and so, sometimes I let them make the decisions for me. But its these little things that slowly accumulates to push you from doing the things you love, being the person you wanna be. Growing up, I had many aspirations and like many others, I wanted to try out different things, taking risks, and living the way I want to. I get that taking risks is a dangerous game to play but if you don't, you never know the "what if's" and the "what might's".
Pursing music but never believing I was good or talented enough. Singing, playing, dancing, acting even, I really love expressing myself through arts but in the Asian community, what are these things worth if it can't make money. I want to go out there, to travel halfway across the world, to the United States, to learn and to enjoy the arts, the culture that we don't have it here. But as it is, I don't know if I'll ever gets the guts to do it when so many people tells you that's just a dream, a fantasy, a crazy tell tale if you were ever to pursue it. Sure advertising as it is is already a part of arts and the creative industry but the way we were brought up, the education we went through as a child, has any of it actually cultivated our creativity?
Studies? I can study, no problem. After all, its all just reading and memorizing and maybe a little bit of application but it just puts you back into the same old box people are telling you to get out from. "Think out of the box" they say. Why do studies take importance over things like experiences out of class? To go out, to do the things you want to try when you know it will never happen again. Is skipping classes really a huge deal?
Who creates stereotypes anyway? Oh wait. I remember. Us. Humans. We are honestly going to be the downfall of ourselves. Speaking of stereotypes, I am really really pissed at the standard of how a specific gender should look, of how male and females should dress. If a girl wants to get a really short haircut, then let her be. If she fancies boys clothes more than dresses and blouses, let her be. If she hangs out with the boys more, don't just put her off as one of the boys and not see her as a girl. Heck. I hate it with people tell me all the time, "Stop dressing like a boy." "Do you want to be a boy?" "Enough piercings, you look like a gay." "Are you a lesbian?" "Don't cut your hair short, trying to look like the opposite sex." I feel comfortable in my own skin so why do you care? But I do, I do care what others say. And not getting the recognition that yes, I am a woman, that yes, I do want to be treated like one, and I do want to be complimented for being pretty or beautiful, or just being appreciated for the person I am without me having to fit into the mould you want me to be. I want to be able to love myself too. I just want to be happy being the real me.
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