Log 9: Check In
Just a little check in with my feelings, after not seeing and talking to her for awhile now, I realized that the feelings I had for her has now been subdued. I no longer think about her, become nervous around her, or even the pull to want to be close to her. I guess I can really compartmentalize it as just a passing attraction.
However, I'm not discounting the fact that she did make me feel something for her in the past and that's really also why I decided to pursue, to find out what the feeling was. Here I am, fairly certain I like girls, just not her I guess. It was an incident that started off that chain of thought anyway. I guess it can get pretty confusing at times if wanting physical touch from a person is because I like the said person, or because seeing as how I'm a highly physical person, it's just my form of wanting and receiving love.
Either way, I'm really comfortable at where I am now. I don't really think about my sexuality that much nowadays or have any frustrations that come with it. I'm just sinking back into this reality that I'm still me and who I like doesn't define or change me. Dreams still happen often and I would say 90% of it would have or even be about being with a girl or liking one or kissing one. It's just really become something normal and it doesn't affect me anymore. Sometimes when there are particularly interesting scenes or moments I would love to be true, I keep them lingering around my mind for a little longer, just to savour the feeling.
When dreams like these (more vivid ones in fact) used to happen in the past, it always scares me because I don't know how to feel about it. I was afraid of the implication because it made me feel good. The desire of wanting to be with a woman, to touch her, to love her really scared me. And often, I would burry the feeling and choose to not think about it except it would only become worse because at night, the desire becomes stronger and fantasies starts playing in my head. I thought that if it was only contained in my mind, it would be fine. But it wasn't. Not when it just made things worse. To run and to hide only to add the intensity of these fantasies.
Well this log comes to show how far I've journeyed and grown, still talking small steps one at a time. You know, my sister asked me before if this was just because of one person or is it as a whole that I think I have same sex attraction and I believe that while my dreams have certainly used interesting people in my life to put ideas in my head, I never once doubt that it was a much deeper yearning inside me. It's not so much about the people, it's more of myself. Like a message from my heart to my mind, I would say.
However, I'm not discounting the fact that she did make me feel something for her in the past and that's really also why I decided to pursue, to find out what the feeling was. Here I am, fairly certain I like girls, just not her I guess. It was an incident that started off that chain of thought anyway. I guess it can get pretty confusing at times if wanting physical touch from a person is because I like the said person, or because seeing as how I'm a highly physical person, it's just my form of wanting and receiving love.
Either way, I'm really comfortable at where I am now. I don't really think about my sexuality that much nowadays or have any frustrations that come with it. I'm just sinking back into this reality that I'm still me and who I like doesn't define or change me. Dreams still happen often and I would say 90% of it would have or even be about being with a girl or liking one or kissing one. It's just really become something normal and it doesn't affect me anymore. Sometimes when there are particularly interesting scenes or moments I would love to be true, I keep them lingering around my mind for a little longer, just to savour the feeling.
When dreams like these (more vivid ones in fact) used to happen in the past, it always scares me because I don't know how to feel about it. I was afraid of the implication because it made me feel good. The desire of wanting to be with a woman, to touch her, to love her really scared me. And often, I would burry the feeling and choose to not think about it except it would only become worse because at night, the desire becomes stronger and fantasies starts playing in my head. I thought that if it was only contained in my mind, it would be fine. But it wasn't. Not when it just made things worse. To run and to hide only to add the intensity of these fantasies.
Well this log comes to show how far I've journeyed and grown, still talking small steps one at a time. You know, my sister asked me before if this was just because of one person or is it as a whole that I think I have same sex attraction and I believe that while my dreams have certainly used interesting people in my life to put ideas in my head, I never once doubt that it was a much deeper yearning inside me. It's not so much about the people, it's more of myself. Like a message from my heart to my mind, I would say.
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