Life's Journey with God

So it has been a little less than a year since I've had realization of my attractions. Looking back, it definitely wasn't an easy ride. I think right now, I'm past the point of stage one: denial and stage two: acceptance . I'm probably at stage three: discovering  now and that kinda scares me a bit because all of a sudden, what seemed like a taboo now seemed so acceptable to me, things I thought I would never do a year ago now makes me wanting more of it. And no, I'm not talking about sex if anyone's wondering cause just being able to meet someone who likes me back would be nothing less than a miracle. See, I don't believe that I'll ever be with someone because I don't think I'll ever be granted that because it's just not the order of things. I don't see it as a punishment by God, I just don't think He would grant me that special someone when I know He's calling me to Him instead. Perhaps it's where I'm at right now but I...

I think that validating how I feel is important. But I also think validating how others feel is equally as important. So I recently spoke to my parents about it a week or two ago. I needed them to know because I needed that support and validation of still being their daughter, still being loved by them no matter what. Sure it wasn't easy for them. Still isn't but I feel much more at ease knowing that they have some sort of an idea of what I go through. It's not as easy as people make it seem, those that throw everything out the window just to be happy (i.e. family and religion) despite not having the support of their loved ones. I don't think happiness like that lasts forever because for me personally, I don't think I could ever survive without the presence of my family in my life. Just thinking about losing one of them scares the heck out of me. Previously, I could never muster enough courage to tell them because I was so afraid of not receiving the acceptance ...

(Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye ) I think this is a very powerful article in which Harris says that it's up to us (our choice) to feed the imagination and let our minds wander, create lustful thoughts even and misusing someone emotionally . It definitely doesn't help to continuously think about the person we're attracted to and constantly talk about this person because what we're doing is just building this image of this person and it almost seems like he/she is all there is, that he/she is perfect. I think this is really apt in my case. I personally experience most of what is said above in the article. Having been attracted to a co-worker on the first day of work is definitely something that is based on looks or rather, something very shallow because there is no other plausible cause in liking someone without talking to this person, let alone getting to know this person. And the more I thought about it, I realize that yes, I have made this person into this...

It's been a week since I entered Leo Burnett for my internship. Grateful for the few familiar faces and the other friendly interns too. During the first day, my supervisor, the creative team head, invited me to join in and listen to one of their creative ideation pitch. While it was interesting to see how great ideas are formed and improved, I was fairly distracted by one of my team member. She caught my eye almost immediately, from her looks to her tattoos to everything. I honestly don't know if I've ever been attracted by someone I've just met before so this is a new feeling/experience for me. She intrigues me. However, for that one week, we barely spoke except for the casual exchanges of 'hi's' and 'bye's'. Heck, I barely spoke to anyone in the team. I felt lost and uncomfortable being the new person there. Everyone was busy with their work yet I had nothing to do.  So I did what I do best. I started stalking. Although I only knew a...

Just a little check in with my feelings, after not seeing and talking to her  for awhile now, I realized that the feelings I had for her has now been subdued. I no longer think about her, become nervous around her, or even the pull to want to be close to her. I guess I can really compartmentalize it as just a passing attraction.  However, I'm not discounting the fact that she did make me feel something for her in the past and that's really also why I decided to pursue, to find out what the feeling was. Here I am, fairly certain I like girls, just not her I guess. It was an incident that started off that chain of thought anyway. I guess it can get pretty confusing at times if wanting physical touch from a person is because I like the said person, or because seeing as how I'm a highly physical person, it's just my form of wanting and receiving love. Either way, I'm really comfortable at where I am now. I don't really think about my sexuality that much nowadays or ...

So I decided to publish all my drafted posts because I really want to be able to carry out this journey and sticking to my value of being true to myself and others. For all posts related to me discovering more about myself and this attraction I have for the same sex shall be written as logs. Being attentive and attune to my feelings is important in my opinion, to be aware and to ensure that my actions and my thoughts are accountable as a child of God. I want to carry on this journey with the people around me who love me for who I am, who has allowed me to understand the love God has for me and the love I have for myself. AMDG. These dates shall serve as a reminder of how far I've come and how better to move forward.

And just like that, a 4-days camp is coming to an end. I realize that though I might have said that I was coming in without any expectation but in fact, I did. I needed to search something so much more with this identity of mine, to realize that I have SSA, to find God and myself amidst all these.  What struck me in this camp was not the sessions because it went so much more beyond that. Sure it made me realize things and had to reevaluate my relationship with others and how I've been acting but more than that, I realize that I've been trying to find a certain type of acceptance for awhile now. For the church or someone to tell me yeah, it's fine. Be who you are and do what makes you happy. But what Amanda said struck me. There are many types of love and without realizing how much of phileo (friendship love) I actually have in my life, the only thing I was focusing on was eros (romantic love) and it causes me to not be able to accept fully the love that is given to me. Spea...