Life's Journey with God

Just a little check in with my feelings, after not seeing and talking to her  for awhile now, I realized that the feelings I had for her has now been subdued. I no longer think about her, become nervous around her, or even the pull to want to be close to her. I guess I can really compartmentalize it as just a passing attraction.  However, I'm not discounting the fact that she did make me feel something for her in the past and that's really also why I decided to pursue, to find out what the feeling was. Here I am, fairly certain I like girls, just not her I guess. It was an incident that started off that chain of thought anyway. I guess it can get pretty confusing at times if wanting physical touch from a person is because I like the said person, or because seeing as how I'm a highly physical person, it's just my form of wanting and receiving love. Either way, I'm really comfortable at where I am now. I don't really think about my sexuality that much nowadays or

So I decided to publish all my drafted posts because I really want to be able to carry out this journey and sticking to my value of being true to myself and others. For all posts related to me discovering more about myself and this attraction I have for the same sex shall be written as logs. Being attentive and attune to my feelings is important in my opinion, to be aware and to ensure that my actions and my thoughts are accountable as a child of God. I want to carry on this journey with the people around me who love me for who I am, who has allowed me to understand the love God has for me and the love I have for myself. AMDG. These dates shall serve as a reminder of how far I've come and how better to move forward.

And just like that, a 4-days camp is coming to an end. I realize that though I might have said that I was coming in without any expectation but in fact, I did. I needed to search something so much more with this identity of mine, to realize that I have SSA, to find God and myself amidst all these.  What struck me in this camp was not the sessions because it went so much more beyond that. Sure it made me realize things and had to reevaluate my relationship with others and how I've been acting but more than that, I realize that I've been trying to find a certain type of acceptance for awhile now. For the church or someone to tell me yeah, it's fine. Be who you are and do what makes you happy. But what Amanda said struck me. There are many types of love and without realizing how much of phileo (friendship love) I actually have in my life, the only thing I was focusing on was eros (romantic love) and it causes me to not be able to accept fully the love that is given to me. Spea

So looking back to how I was before all this, to the values I so tightly hold and desperately trying to convince others and myself on how unnatural same sex attraction is, about how it isn't normal, it was only now that I realize that the church's teachings are meant to free us, not bind us, to help us find freedom and love, not restrict and feel unhappy. So despite all that, I realize now that it is the love of Christ that is the most important and no one can ever take that away from me. Accepting myself and accepting what this is, is the first step in fully accepting Christ's love for me. Being around people that knows what I'm going through, having these amazing humans to journey with me means a lot to me. And speaking to someone who have gone through this, having experienced what I am going through now is so so important for me. To not be alone and to have someone, especially a sister in Christ there for me who I can go to no matter what and not be judged but just

Why am I sad ? What makes me sad? Why am I happy ? What makes me happy? Why am I angry ? What makes me angry? Questions to reflect on as I continue to reflect deeper and get in touch with my feelings. What do I feel when I see her? What goes on in my mind when I see her? Vice versa, how do I feel and what do I think of when I don't see her? Let's see if this is just a phase or is the feelings getting real. Dated: 22 November 2016 Day 1 - 22/11 I am sad because I can't see to find happiness in day to day life. Friends seem to only be a temporary measure and it takes too much effort and strength from me to maintain conversations sometimes. I am sad when I am lonely. Often, the me time that I have makes me ponder on a lot of things and question things but more often than not, I just need it to be alone and away from people. Meeting certain people can definitely make me happy but for today, all I'm feeling is a dulled sense and just being down.

Today was an emotional day for me, from crying before mass, during mass, and even more during adoration. Having Father back also means that I'm able to talk to him soon. Lifting everything up to God, thoughts of being not good enough, not whole, not perfect, being unworthy of His great love but still He loves me even more so. God's message to me was so profound and clear; ""Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."  - Matthew 7:7 He knows what I'm facing, the thoughts in my mind, the desire in my heart, and having to be on this journey alone without Him is impossible. Maybe with time, this yearning will be directed to Him. To seek Him with all my heart and to find true joy and happiness without having to fall into worldly temptations. I just want to know I'm not alone in this journey. Recently I've been feeling the tug, the pull, the desire to find someone special in my life it'

RIGHT OFF EPISODE 3, I KNEW MAGGIE AND ALEX HIT IT OFF STRAIGHTAWAY. THEIR CHEMISTRY IS JUST CRAZY. AND I AM JUST OVER THE MOON THAT EPISODE 8 ENDED THE WAY WE ALL HOPED IT WOULD BE EVEN THOUGH THE SLOW BURN WAS NEEDED, IT WAS SO PAINFUL TO WATCH. Okay, now that I've chilled slightly, let me remove the caps lock and talk about the rollercoaster emotions from episode 7 to episode 8.  Supergirl 2x07: Mid-scene I have to say, this scene has got to be the bravest scene and it's where Alex finally have the guts to tell Maggie what she has been keeping inside and heck no, everything is not alright because she can never see or treat Maggie as a friend again when the scar is still so raw and it hurts just to see her or hear her voice . We see the strong, perfect, headfirst Alex speaking her mind: "No, we're not friends . We hung out, we got close, and then you called me out for liking you and I had the guts to admit yes , it's true. And you told me my

I've been feeling a little down under today and a lot has been on my mind. For one, it's the darn #Sanvers shipping that caught my heart in flutters. I've been reading a lot of fanfics, surfing Tumblr and Facebook, basically anything on them really. But what is more pressing in my mind right now is how I seem to yearn for a someone special in my life, someone I can be with, share things with, and just being my total self with. I guess it's just a phase when I see people having that sort of happiness, I wonder if I may have that too one day. Ps: Latina women are hot. xD Having my friend called me back today was a lovely surprise because she never does. And like the silly person I am, I stuttered, trying to give a reason why I called her in the first place. It always goes back to assignments and work and uni. I wonder when we'll be able to have an actual conversation without it being awkward, spending time just chatting and getting to know each other outside o

It's the episode where Alex tells her sister, Cara, about what she has been feeling. Feels a lot like what I did as well, except not to my family. Just close friends that I needed to share to. Again, it was very relatable and what Alex said about still not knowing what this feeling is but having somewhat a hunch about it is very much what I feel too. Hearing her talk about staying up, thinking about it more and more, recalling past memories that might give some clarity on having these feelings, memories that have been suppressed, I think it's all very true and real. It never really dawned on me why I never really had any feelings for guys but more so for girls, but somehow, I got to exploring these feelings and thoughts, and it makes much more sense now. AND OH NO. OMG THAT HURT SO MUCH. D': I want to cry with Alex. Ugh. AH. Dated: 16 November 2016

Supergirl 2x05: Alex Danver's coming out scene From episode 3, when Maggie Sawyer was introduced into the series, and the interaction between her and Alex was just so good, I knew this was going somewhere. And as the story progresses up till the current episode, it has really tugged on my heartstring. The look she gives Maggie when she isn't looking, when she feels concerned because Maggie was feeling down, the wanting to care and be there for her, it was all just so real. Chyler Leigh really did an amazing job, more so for this coming out scene. She made it so real and connectable to viewers in many ways. Good job on the script too.  I would personally say it connects to me on so many levels. Not knowing if there's actually something wrong with you when you don't really feel that connection with guys, being confused with the constant thought of someone (of the same sex), never really considered the possibility of not being straight, and impulsively saying no

The Little Prince This animation is really beautiful with a combination of stop motion incorporated into the film. The message itself was really heartfelt and I was truly pulled in by the emotional aspect of the story. Growing up to be an adult can really cause us to loose our inner child in us. Through this film, we are reminded that there shouldn't be a mould or rather a specific set of characteristics for us to be a successful adult. Without the childlike approach in us to things, there would be no happiness, no creativity, no meaning in life whatsoever. This story also helps explain really well the transition of life, of how we can learn to let someone dear to us go peacefully knowing that they are still with us in our minds, in our memories. "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye." To look beyond the physical and know that what is important lies truly in the heart. This animation really brought tears to m

Nowadays I tend to write lesser and lesser. Maybe it's because I don't see the need to or maybe it's because I'm just too lazy. Either way, for the past few months especially in the second half of semester 3, I felt this great disconnect between my friends and I. I no longer felt the need or want to hang out with them perhaps due to the fact that my interest has flown to another place, church. I spent most of my time there at that time, occupying myself with daily mass, meetings, practices, and spending time with this one person that I've grown too attached to. Looking back now, I still have that bit of disconnect but it's progressing steadily. Knowing how much they appreciate me and will be there for me through the letters they wrote in July kinda reassured me and helped me realize that I'm just being selfish if I don't acknowledge them. I also received a journal-sorta-book from them and have been writing in it but have now consistently forgetting to wr

Recently I went to Melaka during the Raya holidays with my fambam (which includes my extended family). I brought my prime lens with me because I wanted to travel light and ever since I got that lens, having even the kit lens with me feels heavy. Due to the restricted distance of the lens (50mm but with a crop sensor, it makes it almost 80mm), it was hard to actually take pictures of things near me and being the "thrifty" person I was, I didn't want to pay almost double the amount to get a DX lens (auto focus) so I have to make do with this manual focus lens. It isn't too bad and in fact, I love it especially for videos. I shot random footage while walking around the streets of Jonker till at one point, I became so tired I decided to screw it and just focus on finding food to eat amidst the waves of human. Whose smart idea was it to go on the first day of Raya?  So with the little that I had, I compiled and edited it into this short recap video. I think having

For all those who wished me on social media throughout today, thank you. Your kind thoughts were well received. :) This year I decided that no, no more putting my birth date on Facebook for everyone to see, no more seeking for attention as if the number of posts I get for my birthday would determine how much people care about me. No. It's time to grow and to leave these little things I hold on to, step-by-step. I definitely appreciate all the posts I get this time around cause it's so little and I don't have to go through so many repetitive ones. Some things are worth posting for memories: 1) 12am (and first) wish!   **Plus a hangout today! Thank you for the celebration babe.   2) Didn't need Facebook to tell you when my birthday was. So proud of you. :') 3) Finally a legit post on Insta with this pretty girl (after so darn long). 4) A cute and funny (because of what you said, Sam) video from the gang at McD. 5) A heartfelt note and gift which r

Hai blog aku! Lama tak jumpa~ Ahaha so it has been two months since I've opened and viewed this blog. Definitely felt longer though. I think one of the main reason I haven't resulted in going to blogspot to dump my feelings is because there was less of a need to find a place to write everything down when I have someone I can talk to, face to face, as having physical connection is definitely better. So today I had another meeting with the CDM youth ministry again. Always happy to see them and wow, it really was a surprise that they actually baked a cake, sang song for me, and gave me presents at the end of it. Special thanks to Steph for the oreo cake and the gift, and to Nat, my buddy, for the card and the obvious 'what cakes do you like' questions. ♥ Ps: Tastes better than it looks. A well-needed SD card for my phone. Ahahaha One thing it dawned on me was that I think for the longest time I've always wanted my friends to celebrate my birthday with m

Faith; something so small but yet so powerful. My faith have been through so many ups and downs, so much so that sometimes, it's hard to get back on track, to follow the path God has designed for me. I am grateful for the many helping hands along the way. To have people guiding me and journeying with me. I am afraid. Afraid of the road ahead but I take comfort in His words: “Do not be afraid." Photo source: Cassie Pease Designs I want to be able to serve Him with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, and with all my strength. I want to be His faithful child and disciple. As Martin shared, GPS is the most important thing, the way to a true relationship with God. G od's Word P rayer S acraments Recently, my emotions have been going everywhere, but my mind tries to rationalize everything. How does the heart connect to the mind? One is designed to feel, while the other is designed to think and solve, to make sense of everything. Where do they meet? I reall

Heyyyy! It's been awhile since I updated anything. Last year have been an amazing year, through which I have grown from the many experiences. I feel like confidence is no longer a major issue. Back then, I used to answer interviewers that confidence would be my downfall. Well I think the most change I've gotten out of the year is from Performing Arts. It really gave me a platform to express myself and mess around. It was one of the few memorable memories I have. Of course, Innovative Media was also enjoyable. I remember going for more classes than was needed because Miss Suz was just a bundle of joy herself. Of course, what we did in that class was also fun but in a different kind of way. Sem 2 was the epiphany of 2015. In a way it was stress-free because there was joy in what we did. I think I understand when people say passion will never be a burden. The people that I've surrounded myself with have turn to mean a lot to me. I never would've thought that I'll be